Deep Breaths!!

Just saw our specialist yesterday. Rylan decided to wave hello to us during the ultrasound. :) I will be 25 weeks tomorrow ... only 13 more weeks to go, which to most pregnant women is the final stretch, but to me it feels like just the beginning!! I know that I can't really rely on kick counts until I'm about 28 weeks but on the days that I feel less movement I really start to freak out!!

I wish I could look at this pregnancy differently then I have to!!!! Right now I am feeling this griping fear that I won't get to hold my baby Rylan happy and healthy in the end! I'm so scared that any second will be the last second of his life!! Last time only 3 more months scared me for a whole different reason, I was afraid to think that I would be raising a child in such a short amount of time and now I'm afraid I won't be raising a child ever! It's hard because I don't know how to not be paranoid every time I do or don't feel something and it drives my husband insane because he just wants to make me feel better but he can't. I wish there was some formula that could make all the fear just go away!!!!!!! I just really NEED these last few months to go by as fast as they possibly can!!!!!! I am just SO ready to be holding my baby Rylan healthy, safe and sound in my arms staring up at me with love!!!! If I get there that day will be the most amazing day of my entire life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To whomever is reading please pray that I don't go insane before my C-section and that I have a healthy baby boy in the end!!!!

Christmas just doesn't feel the same this year! :/

With my parents being so far away, all the memories of Jude coming back up and the crazy emotions of this pregnancy I'm really having a hard time this Christmas! I used to go to my parents every Christmas eve and first thing Christmas morning and now ... I don't get to see them at all! :/ Also it's been just about 1 year and 1 month since my precious baby Jude passed away and I can't help but think about how we were supposed to be buying him presents this year and how much fun he would be having. My hormones are already all out of whack and these things are only making it worse!! It's sad because I feel like I just want this holiday to be done and over with already!!!! I'm excited because I got my husband really good presents this year but thats about it ... I feel like Christmas morning will only be a reminder of how far away my family is and everything thats missing.

I'm trying so hard to be grateful for what I do have (which I know is a lot) but I feel like what I really want are the only things I don't have! It's not like I want material things, I just want to be with my family again and I want to be one step closer to creating my own! Sometimes I sit and think "How on earth did my life get here?!?" I feel like I'm living the wrong life. I don't even know why ... maybe it's just all the pain, I just wish it would go away! I mean it's not like I wanted a fairy tale life or anything just a plane ol' whatever life was fine with me. I feel like ever since I decided to grow up and move forward with my own life all there has been is pain! I just wish the pain would stop!! Every time one thing goes right, three things go wrong!! :/

I'm also still worried about not getting to hold baby Rylan 3 months from now! Every time I go to the doctors and see that he's okay it's like I stop holding my breath ... but only for that appointment and then as soon as I leave I'm right back to being afraid of losing him. I'm trying to trust in God it's just SO hard!!!! How do you trust him with something that you already did once and he took away?!? Some times it's so hard and other times it's so easy. I just want to hold my baby boy Rylan already!!!!!!!!!!!! BLEH!!

Prayer, prayer, prayer PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well there is our baby Rylan! :) We saw the specialist on Nov. 8th and he said that as of now everything looks great and all the screening tests came back negative. Finding out it was a boy was an amazing moment! It took the nurse 2 tries and 1 from the doctor to finally get a definitive yes "It's a boy" from them though!

I have my good days, I have my bad days and I have my I'm not getting out of bed days. :-/ My hubby is actually dealing with my craziness really well! I feel bad because some days I fly off the handle at people over little things and other days I'm just as happy as can be. My co-workers must think I'm insane! LOL I have to have x-rays and dental work done due to a filling that cracked and fell out so I'm nervous about that (even though my doctor says it's perfectly okay to have this done while pregnant). Every little thing I feel (related to my pregnancy or not) freaks me out! I wonder "could this potentially harm my baby?!?" It really sux feeling like this and it sux that I will feel like this for the remainder of my pregnancy! I think that the worry might subside when I can feel my baby Rylan moving more then I am right now because I will be able to stop, if I'm feeling worried, and see if he's still kicking. As of right now it's kind of hit and miss, if he's in the right spot type of thing.

All I know is I SO can not wait to get to 39 weeks!!!!!!!!!!! I am so ready to have a happy healthy baby in my arms!!!!!! I'm hoping that at my next appt. I can get my doctor to set a date for my C-section ... I know they don't usually set them this far out but my parents need to get plane tickets and I just really really NEED a date to look forward to!!

Here's to hoping that baby Rylan will be here in the end of March healthy and ready to come home!

Roller Coaster #3

So here we go again! I was indeed pregnant at the same time I had my stomach problem in July but the doctors and the nurses said that the 2 things I was given will not harm the baby and sometimes they actually give it to pregnant women when their morning sickness is severe. So hearing that from everyone has eased my mind a bit. Now we have a whole nother slew of mountains to climb over!!!! First we have to get past all the screening tests with no positive results, second we have to get past 5 months without any strange pains or contractions and third we have to get to and thru 8 months with out me going insane!!

Luckily I will be having a scheduled C-section so I will have my doctor (or my specialist) there, I will have and actual date to look forward to, and pretty much I will know this time if anything has gone wrong up to this date, no "well were not sure when it happened or why it happened" surprises (hopefully!). Lots of doctors appointments this time but thats good, it keeps me from going completely crazy!! LOL

I am at a level of craziness right now!! haha I have already been to the doctors once and caused them to stay and hour after just to assure me that baby and I were okay. I have already had 3 internal ultrasounds in my 4 appointments and I have a special screening ultrasound coming up next Wednesday and then starting Nov. 8th I will be having an ultrasound with my specialist every 4 to 6 weeks!! OMG ... I can't believe how often we are going to get to see this baby, it's pretty cool in a weird way! I just pray every night that I get to bring this baby home and that I can even make it to my first Nov. 8th appt.!!!!

I NEED SOME MAJOR PRAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not his month, Please, not this month!!

I am freaking out right now!! This month I had to go to Urgent Care because I couldn't keep anything down with either end (if you know what I mean) and they found out that I had a bacteria in my stomach from drinking tap water (which it was actually "filtered" water!) well anyway they prescribed me some antibiotics to get rid of it. I was about 3 days in to my regimen when my hubby and I, totally forgetting that I was on antibiotics, "tried for a baby." Afterwards I thought I need to go take my next pill before bed and it was then I realized that I might have doomed myself if I had gotten pregnant just then!!!! >:oO I told my husband and he seemed to just kinda pass it off, but since then I have been taking my temperature like crazy and looking for all of the signs of pregnancy out of sheer fear!! As soon as I get my next unemployment check I am going to stock up on some 99cent store pregnancy tests and I am terrified to take the first one this month!! I feel like such and idiot!! Why didn't I remember!? Why was I so stupid!? I kinda started to feel nauseous and a tiny bit of cramping earlier this evening and thats when I started to freak out!! What if I'm pregnant and my baby come out with birth defects because I was such a moron!!?? I wouldn't be able to live with myself even if the doctors told me that the antibiotics had nothing to do with it I would still feel like it's my fault!! I do want to be pregnant again and I do want another baby so, so bad, I just don't want it to be the month where I was stupid and careless!! Because I'm already going to be nervous with this being my 2nd subsequent pregnancy (and losing the 2nd one) it would only be 100 times worse if it happened this month! Not only would I worry about the things that went wrong with the first 2 but, now I would worry that the antibiotics caused a problem!!!! :~( I just want to take a pregnancy test and be relieved already!!!!

Oh Lord help me to accept whatever the outcome is this month! Help me to have faith in you and believe that whatever happens was always in your plan for my life! Help me to accept whatever the results may be!

Daydreaming = pain.

I have been watching my niece for a while because my brother and his family will be moving pretty far away soon and I'm trying to get in all the time I can with her. When she is ready to sleep she usually asks me to scratch her back and sing her to sleep. It's been kind of hard for me to do this because she is staying in Jude's room right now. Tonight as I sang her to sleep it got really bad! I started crying so bad I had to stop singing, luckily it didn't interrupt her sleeping at all. I realized I was letting my mind wander while I was singing and I also realized that I was rocking back and forth while I was singing. I was doing this because I had started to daydream that I was sitting in a rocking chair holding Jude in my arms singing him to sleep and I started to imagine the room as his nursery. For this reason we will probably be painting the nursery as soon as Tegan leaves and as soon as we have the money.

At first I thought I could handle it and that after a while it wouldn't be that bad, but, I now see that thats not the case at all! Some of the nights even when my niece wasn't here I would just walk by the room and out of no where I would get this horrible wave of emotions!! So I really feel that we need to change that room back to plane ol' white and put the rest of his stuff in the closet ... out of sight, out of mind! It sounds a little insensitive and I kind of feel like I'm pushing him away by doing that but, the room keeps catching me off guard and it's only reminding me of what could/should have been! I feel like keeping that room the was it is, is a way of keeping myself in the past! Right now it's almost like everything is just still sitting there waiting for him, like I'm not excepting that he is gone and that room will never be used by him. I think that in order for me to move forward in my grief I need to paint that room and except that he's not coming home! :(

Happy Fathers Day!

I made this poem for my husband for Fathers Day, because, you know it's not like they have a "Almost became a daddy" card anywhere!

To my Husband:
To the dad who anticipated but instead had to grieve
To the man who stood by my side and helped me continue to believe
To the love of my life who I wish could enjoy raising a child
To the strong tower that held me up when all of the pain compiled
To you who held me when I cried
To my angel who joined me for this emotional ride
Today I really need you to know
That to me you are a father wherever you go
So hold your head high
And believe that some day we will know why.
I LOVE YOU BABY ... HAPPY FATHERS DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pregnancy all around!

It seems like now that I lost my babies all of mine and James' friends are either popping out babies or pregnant! It's hard to to sign onto our Facebook accounts and see either all these baby pictures or belly pictures! Now don't get me wrong, I want other women to be as blissful and happy as I was about my pregnancy, I just, well I just want a baby of my own so that I can stop being jealous of them! I feel like I don't really want to talk to these girls or even see pictures of them any more. I really do feel that the only way I will be over this is if I get my own baby!! I don't really think I'm being too selfish ... all I want is one and it's not like I'm asking for the innocence back or anything! I want every terror ridden day of another pregnancy, as long as it means I WILL GET THE END RESULT!!!!!!!! I was talking to a friend of mine recently and she said that when she first started trying to have kids after 1 1/2 of trying with no results they went to the doctor and the doctor said she could never have children. She was devastated at this news but she decided to ask God for something that was beyond her grasp. She asked Him to either change her heart or change her situation because she couldn't live with wanting a child so bad and never being able to have one! I kind of envy her coming to that conclusion because I don't think I ever could due to the fact that I don't really want my heart to change. Then I realized that that is not my choice, it's Gods and I need to let Him have that control in my life! Who knows ... maybe thats why all this is happening ... maybe He needs to make sure I can trust Him with the REALLY REALLY BIG stuff. You know even when it doesn't turn out the way I wanted it to. So I have come to the conclusion that I will just put all my trust in Him and do what my friend did and ask Him to either change my heart or change my situation! I can't live in this agony and thats the only way I will free myself from this!!!! BTW: that friend of mine found out the next day that she was 7 weeks pregnant with her oldest child ... she now has 4!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes all God needs is for you to really give EVERYTHING up to Him!! Pray that I will have the strength to do that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The sadness continues ...

So my parents, my brother and his family came to visit this past weekend and after they left it seem like my thinking about and missing Jude only got worse! After I thought a little bit about it I realized it was because I kept thinking of how they were supposed to be gawking and kissing all over Jude. Them being here and him not being here just made it that much more real!! We also took a picture with Nataniel (my 10 month old nephew) and I kept thinking Jude should be the one that I'm holding in this picture!! It just so hard to see both of my brother with their happy, healthy children when I've lost 2! I never thought I would be this jealous of my own family!!!! If feels wrong but I can't seem to get past it.

I am having SO much trouble trusting God right now and that scares me. I have never been the one to not trust God. I have always trusted him with every part of my life but I am finding it SO HARD to trust him with something that I already trusted him with and lost! I mean how do you trust someone who took something from you!! As humans we tell other that they have to earn our trust back one they have broken it, so how am I supposed to trust God without expecting him to earn it back. It's like I'm having to fight my humanness to get past this and I don't know if that really is possible! I mean seriously how do you do that?!?

I'm also thinking about trying to get a job sometime this week and that is scaring me too. I feel like I'm moving on and letting go and I'm not too sure that I ever want to do that! I just want a baby ... I could care less about a job, a house, friends or any material things!! I just want my baby!!!!!!!!!! :'( Life is painful and I'm sick of all the tears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SICK AND TIRED!!

Really, I mean REALLY!!!!???? After everything that I have been through, after all the crap, after all the stress and after all the tears you still feel the need to tell me what to do with my life!!!! I seriously no longer believe that people are generally good! Now a days it seems like all anyone ever cares about is themselves!! It's really waring me down to be a giving person living in such a selfish world! For once and I mean ONCE I want to do something for myself and I suddenly become the worst person ever ... whatever like any of them have any room to speak!!!!

I just wish everyone would shut up and except it ... It's going to happen weather you like it or not!! So get over it and stop treating me like I'm stealing him ... he doesn't belong to you any more, he married me not you ... LET HIM GO!!!!!!!!!!

It doesn't help that my memories of Jude have been creeping up in my mind all day and then I have to deal with that crap from you!! You don't get to keep your children forever ... some day they will get marries or move out so realize that some day you do have to let go and let them have their own family!! And yes you will have NO say in that or what happens after that!! The sooner you realize that the better everything will be!!!!!!!!!!

I don't think the sadness will ever end!!!!!!!!!!

So I read my sis-in-laws most recent blog the other day and it made me cry!! She was talking about how much harder it is to get over the hard part of losing Jude when you see all of his stuff sitting here waiting for him. It just made me so much more angry!!!! Not only am I having to go through all this sadness and pain but all of my family and friends are right along with me. Granted the pain I feel and the pain they feel is totally different but still they feel pain. They all want so badly to make my pain go away and not being able to do that pains them!!!!

It's so unfair for everyone to have to feel so helpless and angry for me! It's so unfair for me to feel hopeless and angry!! It's unfair that the doctors say everything is fine and my two losses just happen to be unfortunate possibilities that can come from any pregnancy!!!!!!

I'm so sick of hearing empty promises!!!!

Will I ever get my baby, will I ever get to be happy again, will I ever experience the joy of motherhood or am I doomed to be barren and be robbed of the one joy I have always longed for?

No one can seem to answer this question for me and God just doesn't seem to want to!!

I ask Him every night to reveal to me what I should do next and if I will ever get a baby and as every day goes by no answer, no sign, no nothing!!!!!! I'm sick of being strong and I just want to know: WILL I EVER GET MY BABY!!??!!?? :~(

Oh hum ho...here we go

I'm really having trouble with looking forward to the future right now!! I went to my follow up appointment a few days ago and the doctor says that everything is perfectly fine with my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes and that I should have absolutely no problem conceiving and having a healthy baby! That was good news but at the same time bad news. I feel like all of this is happening for no logical reason and there is nothing we can do to increase our chances of having a healthy baby! So now every time I conceive I will be a nervous wreck, because there will be nothing I can do to stop another loss.

I also feel like my faith and hope will be so shaky that I won't be able to trust that God will give me baby #3!! I really, really, want to trust him! I just feel that I trusted him with the first two and look what happened ... why would the third time be any different?!?

I'm just so angry that so many people I know just fly smoothly through marriage right into having children and I have already lost two children and have a crippling fear of never having any!! My husband and I have the biggest strain that could ever be put on a marriage and I see these other people complaining about their children and all the small little nothing problems they have because of them and I just want to sock them in the face!! I would give anything to have just ONE child and they can't seem to learn how to keep from having one right after the other and they have the audacity to complain about it!

First off use protection if you think your life sux so much the more children you have, second don't pop these children out and then complain that they are there, because they are the most precious gifts from God and lastly don't talk about it in front of someone you know who has lost 2 freekin children!!!!!!!!!!

It all really comes down to being selfish and realizing that children are the most amazing gift that God will ever give someone!! I guess I'm just so sick of seeing people complain about Gods most awesome creation!! Oh Lord help me!!!! I need a child and I need to learn how to not want to hurt those who don't appreciate theirs!!!! I NEED so much prayer it's not even funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feeling sick and tired tonight!!

So even after all the things that I have been through people still see it fit to tell me what choices I should make!! Who are you to tell me what I should be feeling, how I should live my life and where I should live it!!!!

Everyone just needs to but out of mine and James' life!! We are married, we are our own family and we make our own choices!! I just wish people would stop putting their 2 cents in!!!!

When people say things like "No don't move to Washington because then we will never see you" what I really hear is "Don't take our Jimmy away evil lady!" and "We could care less how much you miss your family!" No one seems to even take one second to think about how I feel!!!!!! All in less then one year I lost my job, lost two babies, lost my family and acquired a 19 year old room mate who acts like a 15 year old!! Until you have been through something even remotely like this don't you dare tell me what you think is best for me to do!

Take a look deep inside and see that it's not really you thinking about whats best for us but, you thinking about whats best for YOU!!!!!!!!!! All my life I have always thought of others before myself and just once I would like someone to do this for me!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone is always waiting for their turn to talk, to tell me what they think I should do, to tell me what they think is "best" for us or to let me know how they feel but, no one wants to listen ... I mean REALLY LISTEN to my hurts, my needs, my feelings basically my heart!!!! And quite frankly I don't care if this sounds selfish! Like I said I spent most of my life making other happy and doing what I thought would make them happy, now since I've been through all this pain I think I reserve the right to be a little selfish, don't you!?

I'm afraid that the next time someone opens their mouth to tell me what they think is the "best" decision for James and I to make, I might scream "JUST SHUT UP" in their face!!!!!!!!!! I constantly feel the pain, sadness and heartbreak of losing my children and having none EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE, so hearing people say that moving to WA is me being selfish makes me want to slap them!!!! I feel that I am a very unselfish person and I think wanting to be near my parents, who are also my rock at this moment, is a fairly small thing to ask for!!

If anyone thinks other wise I really don't care and I think they should just keep their mouths shut!!!!!!!!!! They have no idea what I am going through!!!!

Also everyone says I am so strong ... but, I am so sick of being the strong one!!!! I don't know how much more I can handle!! I feel like God is just going to keep pushing me down because he thinks I can take it and be a testimony to others and quite frankly I am SICK OF IT!!!! I know that sounds wrong but, the pain is just too much!!!!!! I don't want to feel like this any more!!!! Some nights I cry so much that I don't sleep until 3:30 in the morning!!!! As long as their is even a shred of energy in my body it goes straight to thinking about my losses and the fact that I may never get children!!!!!!!! And don't tell me how I should not think about it or how I should pray every time I feel that way, because you know what I do both of those and guess what ... they don't really work!!!! Think about this the next time you say something to someone who is going through something you have no idea about, MOST THINGS ARE EASIER SAID THEN DONE!!!!!!!!

Bottom line I'm sick of this pain and heartbreak and I'm sick of people telling me what I should do!!!!!!!!!!

2 steps forward and 1 million steps back!!

I feel like I will never get over this mountain let alone even to the top. I have my good moments but they don't last very long and then it's right back to the crappy, painful moments!

I want to trust God in all of this but, I just can't help thinking about the fact that he could have given me a miracle, twice now, yet he didn't. I feel like no matter how bad I want this I will never get it because God has made His mind up and he could care less how painful it is for me! I know that not true but thats how I feel.

I don't know how to get rid of these feelings!! I pray everyday, sometimes twice a day, but those thoughts just keep popping up. I feel so lost, so confused and so alone in all of this! I go to these empty cradle meeting but most of those women have children at home already. They don't know what it feels like to have the crippling fear that you may NEVER get a child of your own!!!! To lose one so far along and to lose one so early on makes it so that no one part of the pregnancy will be stress free for me!!!!!! I will not be able to take a deep breath in my next pregnancy (if I even get pregnant again!) until that baby is in my arms and healthy.

Every time I think about it I feel like throwing up (literally!!), my heart hurts and sometimes I feel like I can't breath! I just feel like I know what I need to do and I know what can make me feel better but it's almost like I don't want to feel better! I sometimes feel like I want to be mad, I want to cry and I want to dwell on the unfairness!! I want to yell at the world, I want someone to be held responsible!!!! In the end what I really want is what I CAN'T HAVE!! What I really want is a healthy baby in my arms right now!! The fear that I may never get that scares me to death and hurts me more then anyone or anything ever could!!!!!!!!!!

I just want to take 2 steps forward and maybe only 1 step back so that I'm at least making some progress and staying there. Only God can help me now, I can only pray that I will be open to hear what He has to say to me rather then deafened by my anger!!

My heart breaks more and more every night and I fear that soon there will be nothing left of it!! :~(

Feelings of unfairness tonight.

So I just finished talking to my mom about how unfair this all feels to me right now. She explained that God didn't give me a miracle because it's all in His plan and He truly is doing whats best for me! She also explained that His ways are much, much higher then our own!!

I need to realize that faith is something we are called to have not only when things are going smoothly but, more so when things are so painful and confusing we feel like giving up! Having faith in those hard times speaks volumes about the was you truly feel about God! I have to decided if I want to be known as the girl who stayed strong in God through the toughest times in her life or the girl who collapsed under the weight of the world.

No matter how unfair I think this is I know that God is in the middle of it ... and if I, heaven forbid, don't ever get any children I still need to trust that God is doing whats best for me! I need to realize that there is only one path for me and that is Gods path and I was never promised it would be easy! No matter how much it pains me and no matter how much I miss my babies I need to see that it's all part of Gods plan!!

It's so hard for me to go through this but I know for whatever reason it is necessary! I will choose to trust in God to the ends of this earth!! After all He is the one who created it!! :~) I am going to pray to Him and wait for an answer to whether or not we should try again right now and if not when we should. It's about time I listen to Him and make choices dependent on what He says. God should be in the middle of mine and James' decision making and it's about time I realized that!!

Hopefully God will see my effort, hope and faith through this all and decided that I deserve a miracle, a baby, and I can feel the joy of motherhood! Please pray for me!! Even with all these realizations it's still hard and extremely painful to go through this!!!!

So now I'm back to being jealous of happy pregnant ladies!!!! Sometimes they actually make me feel physically sick ... kinda like I want to puke!! I know ... it's sad. I really don't want to feel this way but it's not something I can help. I think I might just be hurt so bad that any thought of true happiness makes me feel sick. If I see people happy with children, happy being pregnant, blissful and happy with their husband or happy alone, my stomach turns! Happy people period after it, for whatever reason, only seem to remind me of what I don't have!! I feel like all I need is one, just one, child and then I can be just like them.

When you know the pain that I have felt you find it hard to even remember what true happiness was. You just want to lay down, close your eyes and rewind to the good times but, keep the knowledge of the future. I feel like even if I knew what was coming I would have been okay because at least I could have prepared myself for it!! I know that part of life is not knowing and having faith but, from this experience I have learn that it truly is THE HARDEST PART IN LIFE!!!!!! Not too many people learn this lesson and I am SO UPSET that I had to learn mine this way!!!!!!

I just feel so lost in such a big world right now!! Everyone is in their own bubble and what's in their bubble is way more important then anyone else's!! And even if anyone would venture out to someone else's bubble they wouldn't dare come within 10 feet of mine ... because NO ONE want to experience my heartbreak and sadness!!!! I feel so very alone!!!!!!!!!!

BROKEN!!

Words really do fail me right now!

I don't know what to say anymore!

I don't know what to feel anymore!

I don't know where to go from here!

I don't want to lose anymore!

I don't want to hurt anymore!

I want my heart to feel normal again!

I want to smile again and not have it be fake!

I want to feel truly happy again!

I don't want to be scared anymore!

I don't want to feel cheated anymore!

I want the pain, heartbreak and saying goodbye before I get to say hello to go away!

I want what I can't have!


So my joy of a new pregnancy was short lived! I went into the hospital Saturday night with vaginal bleeding after a positive pregnancy test about 2 weeks ago (April 12th). After 2 ultrasounds they came to the conclusion that I was having an ectopic(tubal) pregnancy. Luckily I only had to get a shot and not surgery but we lost the baby. The doctor said again that there is nothing wrong with us and we can try AGAIN in about a month. He also said ectopic pregnancies are something that happens in 5% of all pregnancies. I am so frustrated with all of this! Mainly because there is nothing we can do to increase our chances of having a healthy baby next time. I half wish there was a reason for all of this so at least I would know why!! I feel like God is punishing me for something that I apparently did but had no idea I did it! Even if I just get 1 baby I would be SO HAPPY!!!! Now I worry if I will even get that!! Adoption or a surrogate mother are the last and worst possible options I even want to think of! I am so worn down right now that my heart physically hurts!!!!!!!!!! I am so tired!!!!!! I don't even know what else to say ... :~(

You don't even know!

I get so frustrated when I see people complain about their children or not having any time to themselves!! God has given them the most wonderful gift, the miracle of a baby, someone's life is partially in there hands, yet all they can think about is themselves!! Never mind that God entrusted them with the raising of one (or more) of his children! All they care about is the "freedom" they used to have!! Well first off you should have thought of that before you got pregnant and second off would you be like that if you were Jesus' mother!?!? No I don't think so!!!! Every one of these children is Gods child, when you think of it like that how wrong does it make you feel when you complain!? When God blesses you with Money or a great job do you complain about it? NO! So why when God gives you the most precious gift of all to you complain about all the "time to yourself your missing!" I mean really, that is so selfish!!!!

So the next time your feeling tired and well to be honest, selfish, think about the fact that God entrusted this precious miracle of his child to you!! When you think of it that way you better be ashamed and you better push on to glorify God!! Babies/children shouldn't be looked at as a chore but as a beautiful blessing straight from God that we should be happy to wake up to and take care of every waking moment of our lives!!!!!!

Cherish your children and treat them like the gifts they are!!!!

A surprise blessing from a stranger.

So, over the weekend I had a much needed girls day out with two of my girlfriends. We enjoyed a 5 1/2 hour day of shopping! :~) When we were at the mall I decided I needed to have some fun and try on some fancy prom dresses. I found this one that I kind of fell in love with and would SO love to buy! (but, it's just a tad too expensive.) Well anyway, they also have wedding dresses and bridesmaid dresses at this same store. So, naturally there is a lady in the dressing room helping out the brides and anyone else (like a push the sale type of lady) and when I was done with my dress I handed it to her and she took it back out to where it was. When she came back in she saw my shirt (I was wearing my Jude memorial shirt) and she asked me about it and I told her that it was for my son that had passed away 7 days after birth and why. At the very end of my story I mentioned to her that I was now pregnant again. She then smile and hugged me. At first I heard her talking while she was hugging me, it wasn't until I heard her say Lord that I realized she was praying for me! (tear!) She prayed that God would bless this new baby and that I would be able to take this baby home and raise it. Then we said Amen together and she smiled at me and said "You better bring that baby in when it's born, cuz I want to see it, okay!?" Then I turn to see my friend Christina almost in tears and I said "Christina you can't cry cuz I didn't cry and if you cry then you'll make me cry!" LOL Then my friend Megan comes out of her dressing stall and says "Whoa, what's going on, why is Christina about to cry!?" Christina tells Megan about the lady and what she did and then says how sweet she was. And I started to think about it and I realized that she was really sweet and that she didn't have to do what she did, but, she did! I hugged and thanked her one more time before I left the store and I found myself thanking God for pushing me to go into that dress store!

Little things like that help me realize that God is everywhere we are and he is in everything that happens whether we see it or not!!

I am trying so hard not to be crippled with fear in all of this! I know that God is here and he has his hands all over this baby, me and my husband right at this very moment, but, I have trouble handling the fact that he was also there with Jude! I know there is a reason for all of this. I just can't help thinking that there is a possibility that I could go through this again! The pain was so great that I don't ever want to experience it again!! Either through a miscarriage, still birth, infant loss, losing them as a teenager or losing them as an adult! Losing a child shakes up your world like you will never know! (unless you have experienced the loss of a child.) Nothing is the same. You suddenly see all the possibilities of pain! All I can do at this moment in time is take everything one day at a time and cherish every milestone my baby and I pass together and every other moment after that!

Pray that God will sustain and comfort us through these next 9 months of fearful expectations and pray that the best will be the outcome!

God answered my prayers!

I really have no words right now!! I took an at home pregnancy test yesterday and it was positive. At this moment my feelings are so mixed up!! I find myself being super excited, then scared and then sad. It's all, as my sis-in-law so nicely put it bittersweet!!!! I wanted this SO bad and I hope and pray that I get to keep this child but, at the same time I feel like I might forget Jude in this process and thats what scares me! And of course I feel sad because even though I will love this next baby with all of my heart I still wish I could have my Jude!

As I'm sure you know I am trying extremely hard not to stress or have any fears or anxiety but, now that I know what can happen it's pretty much impossible!! I just want everything to go so much better this time around!! I don't know if I could handle losing another precious baby!

I am so glad that I am pregnant and that God blessed us with this gift and answered our prayers but, at the same time I am so scared!

Please just pray that God will give us a completely healthy baby that we can bring home and raise for many years to come!

Late nights

So I'm sitting here watching George Lopez (because there's nothing else on) looking at my sleeping, snoring husband on the floor in front of me and I began thinking "I could be pregnant right now!" At the same time I'm also thinking "Stop thinking that cuz if your not then your going to be disappointed and your going to think there's something wrong with you!"

It's true! I know that God will give me a baby in His perfect time but, that doesn't change the fact that I feel like I've lost another child all over again every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Then I start to ask myself "did I do something wrong, did James do something wrong?" "Is everything okay with us?" "Can we even have more children?" "How long will I have to wait?" "Is my body failing me?" and I start to think negatively! I don't want to do that and I know I shouldn't think those things but, it's inevitable!

I'm so confused about everything right now and my body not taking to being pregnant as fast as it did before makes it worse! I just hate the 3 or 4 days right before I'm supposed to start my period, it's heart-wrenching! It's almost as bad as waiting to hear test results about cancer or if you have a disease. You pray the whole time to get good news and when your hit with the bad it's like a sock in the stomach that takes your breath away and you want to test again and again hoping maybe one will turn out different!!!!

I just want to be happy and expecting again! I loved it and was excited for the end result of my pregnancy, but all that excitement was ripped away from me and the let down was so big and unexpected that I feel like nothing else but being pregnant will make me happy again.

It's just so hard to have expected and wanted something so bad and not get it! :~/ I hope and pray that my next post will be a happy pregnancy one!!

Thinking again! :~/t

So I have been doing pretty good lately. That was at least until I was putting the towels away and I saw the boppy pillow that James' aunt made for Jude.

I found my mind wandering to what I would be doing if Jude had never passed away! I started thinking about how I would have woke up to his smiling face, changed him, fed him and then pulled out that boppy pillow and played with him, then laid him down for a nap, cleaned the kitchen, changed and fed him again when he woke up, then greeted daddy when he came home, let daddy play with him for the rest of the night and then changed and fed him and sent him off to sleep for the night. As opposed to wake up to no one, eat breakfast alone, greet James alone when he got home, spend some quality time with James, watch a movie, cleaned the kitchen, and then spent the rest of the night watching TV alone. The only part of my actual day that I wouldn't trade is the quality time with James. Other then that I would trade anything and give anything just to have the other day!!!!

I just miss him so much!! Some nights my arms feel so empty nothing can seem to comfort me! I'm not sure what to do anymore! I just want a baby so bad it physically hurts!! It hurts my head, my heart, my arms sometimes physically ache and there are still some days where I don't feel like getting out of bed.

I know God is still there and I feel that he will eventually give me a baby of my own to keep and love, but, that doesn't change the fact that I have a hole in my heart. It doesn't take away the pain of my loss and I'm still having trouble seeing any reason for this! I just can't wait until the day I have my baby in my arms and he/she is happy and healthy!!!!

I got this book from a lady at church and it's called "Mommy please don't cry: There are no tears in heaven" I loved it but, at the same time I thought "what a silly thing to ask of a grieving mother!!" I mean what am I supposed to do SMILE!! I'm happy he's with God but, I'm also jealous. I don't want to be jealous of God!! I just don't know how not to be!

I just really want the pain of emptiness to stop!!!!!!!!!! :~/

Other children and happy moms...

So it wasn't until today when I saw a picture of James' friend with his baby boy one his belly looking at him, that I realized that I will be okay as long as i limit my time with "happy parents". I know it sounds mean to those of you who have never experienced the loss of a child but that really is how it has to go!

When I see those happy parents all it does is remind me of what I am currently missing out on! When I have another child and he/she is happy and healthy then things will be different. It's like I just feel so left out because they have what I really wanted and still want! I also feel left out because all they do is talk about their baby (which I don't blame them ... I would too!) but I mean what am I supposed to say ya know "oh well um Jude was cute but I never got to hear him cry." Yeah ... that a real mood killer!! I just feel like I have nothing in common with mom's now because I view things so differently even then I did before I was pregnant. Before it was innocent and now it's tainted for me and I don't want to freak other mom's out!

I just can't wait until I have my baby in my arms and I can finally feel what every mom feels when they first get to see there child is healthy and there are no worries in that moment just pure blissful happiness!!!! You know as opposed to why is he not breathing, why can't I see him yet and hearing from the doctor that he's not moving, crying or breathing on his own and instead of pure blissful happiness, pure crippling fear!

I hope and pray that some day James and I will get that pure blissful happiness and who knows maybe more then once! :~)

Needing hope!

I'm feeling a little more hopeful tonight. I was talking to God a little while ago and just asking him to give me hope and faith that whatever happens whenever it happens I will be able to handle it and know that it is His will and that no matter what it is He will carry me through. Now granted thats easier said then acted upon I feel tonight like I might actually, finally be getting there! Wether or not I am pregnant this month I am just going to accept it and not dwell and not be anxious! I came to a kind of revelation the other day I realized that God is not going to give me a baby to renew my faith and hope rather He will give me one when I choose to let Him and Him only renew it. No act from God should be necessary and until I fully grasp that I think I will not get pregnant. I have no right to say when God gives me a healthy baby then I will have hope and faith again. I never should have lost my hope and faith and until I see that things will be rocky!!

So tonight I will go to sleep with a new mindset. Whatever happens was meant to happen for whatever reason. It's all in God's plan and I need to accept His will for my life! The road will not be easy but He never said it would be. It's not all roses and sunflowers following His path for my life but in the end it will be worth more then I could ever imagine! I just pray that God will give me the strength to get through whatever else He has in my path and become stronger in my hope and faith ... stronger then I ever believed!

I thank God for my trials, happy moments, friendships, parents, in-laws and family. He has truly blessed me and I will be glad! :~) Pray that I can keep this state of mind!!!!

Thinking about stuff

So I am sitting here watching Lost with my hubby wubby and kinda wishing that was me on that island (well I mean as long as I had all of my family there too!) It would be awesome because there are no jobs, no money, no need to fight but, more of a reason to come together. The best part is I would be with all of my family! I just hate having to be so far from everyone!! I miss the good ol days!! The days where life was easy and full of promise. Oh who am I kidding ... everyone has to grow up! Everyone has to face the music so to speak. Some people have pretty music, some people have fun music, some people have depressing music, some people have hateful music and some have a huge mashed up combination of all those! One thing I know for sure though is that you can choose your music. Your life may not sound like fun music but, you can make it fun!! All you have to do is see it through Gods eyes! The hardest thing I ever had to do in my life was see Jude's death through Gods eyes and I am still having trouble with it. I know that I can't fully see through Gods eyes but, what I can see is the fact that He has a reason for everything and He has my best interest in mind. All I have to do is keep repeating that to myself and my music will be fun and pretty.

I was baking like crazy today. I made some walnut brownies and some french vanilla cake and while I was making it a crappy thought came into my mind. "What if I never get a baby and I never have a little Vince or a little Ariah to make brownies and cake with?" "Can I really handle it?" I wish I'd never had any reason to think that!! I feel like it's just not fair all the time! People tell me it isn't and that just makes it worse! :~/ I just can't help it! I find myself not wanting to be around people who are pregnant or people who have happy healthy babies because of how unfair it feels!!!! People take that as me being ridicules and that I'm not getting over it but, that just pisses me off. How dare you even try to act like you know where I am right now and why I am there! All these people just need to for one second put themselves in my shoes! Ever since this all happened everyone just expected me to get over it eventually but, what they don't understand is you NEVER get over something like this! It will NEVER go away ... all the hurt, all the pain and sadness and the feeling of being robbed. So when I see couples with children they don't appreciate I choose not to associate myself with them for fear that I will not be able to hold my tongue anymore. Either I end the friendships before they get to that point or I blow up on them and it still ends anyway.

UGH! I hate being such a heavy thinker now! Losing something so precious sure does put a damper on every aspect of life. Nothing seems good enough to smile at anymore! I pray that soon I will find some hope for if not I fear the worst will come out of me!! :~/

Yearning for a baby!

I think all of this wouldn't have been as hard if this wasn't my first baby. It's so hard for me to think that it might be a possibility that I could never have a baby of my own. My husband and I are trying again and it's not happening as quick as it did before and it's very stressful. I don't want it to be that way but, I just can't figure out haw to make it NOT that way! It's like now I'm so scared that I won't get a baby just cuz I'm pregnant but I'm also scared that I won't even get pregnant. I want to trust God, I REALLY do!! But, every time I start to again I think of the fact that I was trusting him when Jude passed away. I know there is a reason and I know that it's whats best for me but, I don't want to feel that pain EVER again!!!! Just knowing that I already had to go through it once when I thought I never would kind of cripples me! I mean seriously how do you come back from that crippling fear? I hope that I can come back from it!! I pray everyday that I will be able to break through this but, I don't think that will truly happen until I have another baby. I'm scared that no matter how bad I want this for whatever reason God won't let it happen. I know that sounds wrong but thats how I feel! I know I have come so far in so little time but I just want all this pain and questioning to be over and done with!! I just want my beautiful baby to be in my arms already!!!! I don't feel like being a mom will define me, I just feel like I need one ... it's just what I always dreamed of. I just can't imagine my life without at least mothering one child. UGH ... I just want to at least be pregnant already!!!!!!!!!! I feel so robbed! :~/ I need God's comfort!! Keep praying me!! My arms feel so empty tonight!!

Still pushing through the pain.

If you know me then you know my story. If not I will give the short version. I lost my first and so far only son after only 7 days of life. He had a stroke while in the womb and never recovered. While those where the hardest 7 days I have ever experienced in my life I am better for it! God has grown me beyond anything I ever imagined!! Although losing my son is something I wished would have never happened I am still grateful that something good can and will continue to come out of it!!

So now that everyone knows my story lets get onto what I want to say tonight.

I decided to read the book of Jude tonight. I have been wanting to for quite some time but I couldn't seem to bring myself to it. So I start off and right away the first verse makes me cry!! Jude 1:1 Jude a servant of Jesus Christ and brother of James. Seeing my husbands name so close to Jude made me cry so hard! I always thought that when I first saw that it would be when I was writing some cute story about the two of them, but, instead I find myself reading it in Jude's memory. Then I find myself crying at that fact! It's a miracle that I was able to keep reading!! Then Jude v. 20 made my cry again. Jude 1:20 but, you beloved, build yourselves up in your most holy faith; pray in the holy spirit; It's like Jude is telling me to stay strong! I need to build myself up in faith instead of killing my spirit with all the what if's and I need to pray and realize that God still loves me and never left me! I know God is going through this pain with me and I know that He has a reason for this, possibly more then one reason :~), but, that doesn't make losing Jude any easier!!!! I'm just glad I know God, otherwise, I don't think I would be as strong as I am right now. I just pray that God will help me continue down this path and come out on the other side of light and not darkness! As hard as this is I see the light at the end of this tunnel, the top of this mountain, the silver lining in this cloud, I just hope I can make it to the light, top and silver!

Ugh ... Pray for me PLEASE!!!!