Daydreaming = pain.

I have been watching my niece for a while because my brother and his family will be moving pretty far away soon and I'm trying to get in all the time I can with her. When she is ready to sleep she usually asks me to scratch her back and sing her to sleep. It's been kind of hard for me to do this because she is staying in Jude's room right now. Tonight as I sang her to sleep it got really bad! I started crying so bad I had to stop singing, luckily it didn't interrupt her sleeping at all. I realized I was letting my mind wander while I was singing and I also realized that I was rocking back and forth while I was singing. I was doing this because I had started to daydream that I was sitting in a rocking chair holding Jude in my arms singing him to sleep and I started to imagine the room as his nursery. For this reason we will probably be painting the nursery as soon as Tegan leaves and as soon as we have the money.

At first I thought I could handle it and that after a while it wouldn't be that bad, but, I now see that thats not the case at all! Some of the nights even when my niece wasn't here I would just walk by the room and out of no where I would get this horrible wave of emotions!! So I really feel that we need to change that room back to plane ol' white and put the rest of his stuff in the closet ... out of sight, out of mind! It sounds a little insensitive and I kind of feel like I'm pushing him away by doing that but, the room keeps catching me off guard and it's only reminding me of what could/should have been! I feel like keeping that room the was it is, is a way of keeping myself in the past! Right now it's almost like everything is just still sitting there waiting for him, like I'm not excepting that he is gone and that room will never be used by him. I think that in order for me to move forward in my grief I need to paint that room and except that he's not coming home! :(

So now I'm back to being jealous of happy pregnant ladies!!!! Sometimes they actually make me feel physically sick ... kinda like I want to puke!! I know ... it's sad. I really don't want to feel this way but it's not something I can help. I think I might just be hurt so bad that any thought of true happiness makes me feel sick. If I see people happy with children, happy being pregnant, blissful and happy with their husband or happy alone, my stomach turns! Happy people period after it, for whatever reason, only seem to remind me of what I don't have!! I feel like all I need is one, just one, child and then I can be just like them.

When you know the pain that I have felt you find it hard to even remember what true happiness was. You just want to lay down, close your eyes and rewind to the good times but, keep the knowledge of the future. I feel like even if I knew what was coming I would have been okay because at least I could have prepared myself for it!! I know that part of life is not knowing and having faith but, from this experience I have learn that it truly is THE HARDEST PART IN LIFE!!!!!! Not too many people learn this lesson and I am SO UPSET that I had to learn mine this way!!!!!!

I just feel so lost in such a big world right now!! Everyone is in their own bubble and what's in their bubble is way more important then anyone else's!! And even if anyone would venture out to someone else's bubble they wouldn't dare come within 10 feet of mine ... because NO ONE want to experience my heartbreak and sadness!!!! I feel so very alone!!!!!!!!!!

God answered my prayers!

I really have no words right now!! I took an at home pregnancy test yesterday and it was positive. At this moment my feelings are so mixed up!! I find myself being super excited, then scared and then sad. It's all, as my sis-in-law so nicely put it bittersweet!!!! I wanted this SO bad and I hope and pray that I get to keep this child but, at the same time I feel like I might forget Jude in this process and thats what scares me! And of course I feel sad because even though I will love this next baby with all of my heart I still wish I could have my Jude!

As I'm sure you know I am trying extremely hard not to stress or have any fears or anxiety but, now that I know what can happen it's pretty much impossible!! I just want everything to go so much better this time around!! I don't know if I could handle losing another precious baby!

I am so glad that I am pregnant and that God blessed us with this gift and answered our prayers but, at the same time I am so scared!

Please just pray that God will give us a completely healthy baby that we can bring home and raise for many years to come!