Feeling sick and tired tonight!!

So even after all the things that I have been through people still see it fit to tell me what choices I should make!! Who are you to tell me what I should be feeling, how I should live my life and where I should live it!!!!

Everyone just needs to but out of mine and James' life!! We are married, we are our own family and we make our own choices!! I just wish people would stop putting their 2 cents in!!!!

When people say things like "No don't move to Washington because then we will never see you" what I really hear is "Don't take our Jimmy away evil lady!" and "We could care less how much you miss your family!" No one seems to even take one second to think about how I feel!!!!!! All in less then one year I lost my job, lost two babies, lost my family and acquired a 19 year old room mate who acts like a 15 year old!! Until you have been through something even remotely like this don't you dare tell me what you think is best for me to do!

Take a look deep inside and see that it's not really you thinking about whats best for us but, you thinking about whats best for YOU!!!!!!!!!! All my life I have always thought of others before myself and just once I would like someone to do this for me!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone is always waiting for their turn to talk, to tell me what they think I should do, to tell me what they think is "best" for us or to let me know how they feel but, no one wants to listen ... I mean REALLY LISTEN to my hurts, my needs, my feelings basically my heart!!!! And quite frankly I don't care if this sounds selfish! Like I said I spent most of my life making other happy and doing what I thought would make them happy, now since I've been through all this pain I think I reserve the right to be a little selfish, don't you!?

I'm afraid that the next time someone opens their mouth to tell me what they think is the "best" decision for James and I to make, I might scream "JUST SHUT UP" in their face!!!!!!!!!! I constantly feel the pain, sadness and heartbreak of losing my children and having none EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE, so hearing people say that moving to WA is me being selfish makes me want to slap them!!!! I feel that I am a very unselfish person and I think wanting to be near my parents, who are also my rock at this moment, is a fairly small thing to ask for!!

If anyone thinks other wise I really don't care and I think they should just keep their mouths shut!!!!!!!!!! They have no idea what I am going through!!!!

Also everyone says I am so strong ... but, I am so sick of being the strong one!!!! I don't know how much more I can handle!! I feel like God is just going to keep pushing me down because he thinks I can take it and be a testimony to others and quite frankly I am SICK OF IT!!!! I know that sounds wrong but, the pain is just too much!!!!!! I don't want to feel like this any more!!!! Some nights I cry so much that I don't sleep until 3:30 in the morning!!!! As long as their is even a shred of energy in my body it goes straight to thinking about my losses and the fact that I may never get children!!!!!!!! And don't tell me how I should not think about it or how I should pray every time I feel that way, because you know what I do both of those and guess what ... they don't really work!!!! Think about this the next time you say something to someone who is going through something you have no idea about, MOST THINGS ARE EASIER SAID THEN DONE!!!!!!!!

Bottom line I'm sick of this pain and heartbreak and I'm sick of people telling me what I should do!!!!!!!!!!