Daydreaming = pain.

I have been watching my niece for a while because my brother and his family will be moving pretty far away soon and I'm trying to get in all the time I can with her. When she is ready to sleep she usually asks me to scratch her back and sing her to sleep. It's been kind of hard for me to do this because she is staying in Jude's room right now. Tonight as I sang her to sleep it got really bad! I started crying so bad I had to stop singing, luckily it didn't interrupt her sleeping at all. I realized I was letting my mind wander while I was singing and I also realized that I was rocking back and forth while I was singing. I was doing this because I had started to daydream that I was sitting in a rocking chair holding Jude in my arms singing him to sleep and I started to imagine the room as his nursery. For this reason we will probably be painting the nursery as soon as Tegan leaves and as soon as we have the money.

At first I thought I could handle it and that after a while it wouldn't be that bad, but, I now see that thats not the case at all! Some of the nights even when my niece wasn't here I would just walk by the room and out of no where I would get this horrible wave of emotions!! So I really feel that we need to change that room back to plane ol' white and put the rest of his stuff in the closet ... out of sight, out of mind! It sounds a little insensitive and I kind of feel like I'm pushing him away by doing that but, the room keeps catching me off guard and it's only reminding me of what could/should have been! I feel like keeping that room the was it is, is a way of keeping myself in the past! Right now it's almost like everything is just still sitting there waiting for him, like I'm not excepting that he is gone and that room will never be used by him. I think that in order for me to move forward in my grief I need to paint that room and except that he's not coming home! :(