Deep Breaths!!

Just saw our specialist yesterday. Rylan decided to wave hello to us during the ultrasound. :) I will be 25 weeks tomorrow ... only 13 more weeks to go, which to most pregnant women is the final stretch, but to me it feels like just the beginning!! I know that I can't really rely on kick counts until I'm about 28 weeks but on the days that I feel less movement I really start to freak out!!

I wish I could look at this pregnancy differently then I have to!!!! Right now I am feeling this griping fear that I won't get to hold my baby Rylan happy and healthy in the end! I'm so scared that any second will be the last second of his life!! Last time only 3 more months scared me for a whole different reason, I was afraid to think that I would be raising a child in such a short amount of time and now I'm afraid I won't be raising a child ever! It's hard because I don't know how to not be paranoid every time I do or don't feel something and it drives my husband insane because he just wants to make me feel better but he can't. I wish there was some formula that could make all the fear just go away!!!!!!! I just really NEED these last few months to go by as fast as they possibly can!!!!!! I am just SO ready to be holding my baby Rylan healthy, safe and sound in my arms staring up at me with love!!!! If I get there that day will be the most amazing day of my entire life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To whomever is reading please pray that I don't go insane before my C-section and that I have a healthy baby boy in the end!!!!

Christmas just doesn't feel the same this year! :/

With my parents being so far away, all the memories of Jude coming back up and the crazy emotions of this pregnancy I'm really having a hard time this Christmas! I used to go to my parents every Christmas eve and first thing Christmas morning and now ... I don't get to see them at all! :/ Also it's been just about 1 year and 1 month since my precious baby Jude passed away and I can't help but think about how we were supposed to be buying him presents this year and how much fun he would be having. My hormones are already all out of whack and these things are only making it worse!! It's sad because I feel like I just want this holiday to be done and over with already!!!! I'm excited because I got my husband really good presents this year but thats about it ... I feel like Christmas morning will only be a reminder of how far away my family is and everything thats missing.

I'm trying so hard to be grateful for what I do have (which I know is a lot) but I feel like what I really want are the only things I don't have! It's not like I want material things, I just want to be with my family again and I want to be one step closer to creating my own! Sometimes I sit and think "How on earth did my life get here?!?" I feel like I'm living the wrong life. I don't even know why ... maybe it's just all the pain, I just wish it would go away! I mean it's not like I wanted a fairy tale life or anything just a plane ol' whatever life was fine with me. I feel like ever since I decided to grow up and move forward with my own life all there has been is pain! I just wish the pain would stop!! Every time one thing goes right, three things go wrong!! :/

I'm also still worried about not getting to hold baby Rylan 3 months from now! Every time I go to the doctors and see that he's okay it's like I stop holding my breath ... but only for that appointment and then as soon as I leave I'm right back to being afraid of losing him. I'm trying to trust in God it's just SO hard!!!! How do you trust him with something that you already did once and he took away?!? Some times it's so hard and other times it's so easy. I just want to hold my baby boy Rylan already!!!!!!!!!!!! BLEH!!

Prayer, prayer, prayer PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feelings of unfairness tonight.

So I just finished talking to my mom about how unfair this all feels to me right now. She explained that God didn't give me a miracle because it's all in His plan and He truly is doing whats best for me! She also explained that His ways are much, much higher then our own!!

I need to realize that faith is something we are called to have not only when things are going smoothly but, more so when things are so painful and confusing we feel like giving up! Having faith in those hard times speaks volumes about the was you truly feel about God! I have to decided if I want to be known as the girl who stayed strong in God through the toughest times in her life or the girl who collapsed under the weight of the world.

No matter how unfair I think this is I know that God is in the middle of it ... and if I, heaven forbid, don't ever get any children I still need to trust that God is doing whats best for me! I need to realize that there is only one path for me and that is Gods path and I was never promised it would be easy! No matter how much it pains me and no matter how much I miss my babies I need to see that it's all part of Gods plan!!

It's so hard for me to go through this but I know for whatever reason it is necessary! I will choose to trust in God to the ends of this earth!! After all He is the one who created it!! :~) I am going to pray to Him and wait for an answer to whether or not we should try again right now and if not when we should. It's about time I listen to Him and make choices dependent on what He says. God should be in the middle of mine and James' decision making and it's about time I realized that!!

Hopefully God will see my effort, hope and faith through this all and decided that I deserve a miracle, a baby, and I can feel the joy of motherhood! Please pray for me!! Even with all these realizations it's still hard and extremely painful to go through this!!!!

Other children and happy moms...

So it wasn't until today when I saw a picture of James' friend with his baby boy one his belly looking at him, that I realized that I will be okay as long as i limit my time with "happy parents". I know it sounds mean to those of you who have never experienced the loss of a child but that really is how it has to go!

When I see those happy parents all it does is remind me of what I am currently missing out on! When I have another child and he/she is happy and healthy then things will be different. It's like I just feel so left out because they have what I really wanted and still want! I also feel left out because all they do is talk about their baby (which I don't blame them ... I would too!) but I mean what am I supposed to say ya know "oh well um Jude was cute but I never got to hear him cry." Yeah ... that a real mood killer!! I just feel like I have nothing in common with mom's now because I view things so differently even then I did before I was pregnant. Before it was innocent and now it's tainted for me and I don't want to freak other mom's out!

I just can't wait until I have my baby in my arms and I can finally feel what every mom feels when they first get to see there child is healthy and there are no worries in that moment just pure blissful happiness!!!! You know as opposed to why is he not breathing, why can't I see him yet and hearing from the doctor that he's not moving, crying or breathing on his own and instead of pure blissful happiness, pure crippling fear!

I hope and pray that some day James and I will get that pure blissful happiness and who knows maybe more then once! :~)