Not his month, Please, not this month!!

I am freaking out right now!! This month I had to go to Urgent Care because I couldn't keep anything down with either end (if you know what I mean) and they found out that I had a bacteria in my stomach from drinking tap water (which it was actually "filtered" water!) well anyway they prescribed me some antibiotics to get rid of it. I was about 3 days in to my regimen when my hubby and I, totally forgetting that I was on antibiotics, "tried for a baby." Afterwards I thought I need to go take my next pill before bed and it was then I realized that I might have doomed myself if I had gotten pregnant just then!!!! >:oO I told my husband and he seemed to just kinda pass it off, but since then I have been taking my temperature like crazy and looking for all of the signs of pregnancy out of sheer fear!! As soon as I get my next unemployment check I am going to stock up on some 99cent store pregnancy tests and I am terrified to take the first one this month!! I feel like such and idiot!! Why didn't I remember!? Why was I so stupid!? I kinda started to feel nauseous and a tiny bit of cramping earlier this evening and thats when I started to freak out!! What if I'm pregnant and my baby come out with birth defects because I was such a moron!!?? I wouldn't be able to live with myself even if the doctors told me that the antibiotics had nothing to do with it I would still feel like it's my fault!! I do want to be pregnant again and I do want another baby so, so bad, I just don't want it to be the month where I was stupid and careless!! Because I'm already going to be nervous with this being my 2nd subsequent pregnancy (and losing the 2nd one) it would only be 100 times worse if it happened this month! Not only would I worry about the things that went wrong with the first 2 but, now I would worry that the antibiotics caused a problem!!!! :~( I just want to take a pregnancy test and be relieved already!!!!

Oh Lord help me to accept whatever the outcome is this month! Help me to have faith in you and believe that whatever happens was always in your plan for my life! Help me to accept whatever the results may be!

Daydreaming = pain.

I have been watching my niece for a while because my brother and his family will be moving pretty far away soon and I'm trying to get in all the time I can with her. When she is ready to sleep she usually asks me to scratch her back and sing her to sleep. It's been kind of hard for me to do this because she is staying in Jude's room right now. Tonight as I sang her to sleep it got really bad! I started crying so bad I had to stop singing, luckily it didn't interrupt her sleeping at all. I realized I was letting my mind wander while I was singing and I also realized that I was rocking back and forth while I was singing. I was doing this because I had started to daydream that I was sitting in a rocking chair holding Jude in my arms singing him to sleep and I started to imagine the room as his nursery. For this reason we will probably be painting the nursery as soon as Tegan leaves and as soon as we have the money.

At first I thought I could handle it and that after a while it wouldn't be that bad, but, I now see that thats not the case at all! Some of the nights even when my niece wasn't here I would just walk by the room and out of no where I would get this horrible wave of emotions!! So I really feel that we need to change that room back to plane ol' white and put the rest of his stuff in the closet ... out of sight, out of mind! It sounds a little insensitive and I kind of feel like I'm pushing him away by doing that but, the room keeps catching me off guard and it's only reminding me of what could/should have been! I feel like keeping that room the was it is, is a way of keeping myself in the past! Right now it's almost like everything is just still sitting there waiting for him, like I'm not excepting that he is gone and that room will never be used by him. I think that in order for me to move forward in my grief I need to paint that room and except that he's not coming home! :(