Christmas just doesn't feel the same this year! :/

With my parents being so far away, all the memories of Jude coming back up and the crazy emotions of this pregnancy I'm really having a hard time this Christmas! I used to go to my parents every Christmas eve and first thing Christmas morning and now ... I don't get to see them at all! :/ Also it's been just about 1 year and 1 month since my precious baby Jude passed away and I can't help but think about how we were supposed to be buying him presents this year and how much fun he would be having. My hormones are already all out of whack and these things are only making it worse!! It's sad because I feel like I just want this holiday to be done and over with already!!!! I'm excited because I got my husband really good presents this year but thats about it ... I feel like Christmas morning will only be a reminder of how far away my family is and everything thats missing.

I'm trying so hard to be grateful for what I do have (which I know is a lot) but I feel like what I really want are the only things I don't have! It's not like I want material things, I just want to be with my family again and I want to be one step closer to creating my own! Sometimes I sit and think "How on earth did my life get here?!?" I feel like I'm living the wrong life. I don't even know why ... maybe it's just all the pain, I just wish it would go away! I mean it's not like I wanted a fairy tale life or anything just a plane ol' whatever life was fine with me. I feel like ever since I decided to grow up and move forward with my own life all there has been is pain! I just wish the pain would stop!! Every time one thing goes right, three things go wrong!! :/

I'm also still worried about not getting to hold baby Rylan 3 months from now! Every time I go to the doctors and see that he's okay it's like I stop holding my breath ... but only for that appointment and then as soon as I leave I'm right back to being afraid of losing him. I'm trying to trust in God it's just SO hard!!!! How do you trust him with something that you already did once and he took away?!? Some times it's so hard and other times it's so easy. I just want to hold my baby boy Rylan already!!!!!!!!!!!! BLEH!!

Prayer, prayer, prayer PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Daydreaming = pain.

I have been watching my niece for a while because my brother and his family will be moving pretty far away soon and I'm trying to get in all the time I can with her. When she is ready to sleep she usually asks me to scratch her back and sing her to sleep. It's been kind of hard for me to do this because she is staying in Jude's room right now. Tonight as I sang her to sleep it got really bad! I started crying so bad I had to stop singing, luckily it didn't interrupt her sleeping at all. I realized I was letting my mind wander while I was singing and I also realized that I was rocking back and forth while I was singing. I was doing this because I had started to daydream that I was sitting in a rocking chair holding Jude in my arms singing him to sleep and I started to imagine the room as his nursery. For this reason we will probably be painting the nursery as soon as Tegan leaves and as soon as we have the money.

At first I thought I could handle it and that after a while it wouldn't be that bad, but, I now see that thats not the case at all! Some of the nights even when my niece wasn't here I would just walk by the room and out of no where I would get this horrible wave of emotions!! So I really feel that we need to change that room back to plane ol' white and put the rest of his stuff in the closet ... out of sight, out of mind! It sounds a little insensitive and I kind of feel like I'm pushing him away by doing that but, the room keeps catching me off guard and it's only reminding me of what could/should have been! I feel like keeping that room the was it is, is a way of keeping myself in the past! Right now it's almost like everything is just still sitting there waiting for him, like I'm not excepting that he is gone and that room will never be used by him. I think that in order for me to move forward in my grief I need to paint that room and except that he's not coming home! :(

Pregnancy all around!

It seems like now that I lost my babies all of mine and James' friends are either popping out babies or pregnant! It's hard to to sign onto our Facebook accounts and see either all these baby pictures or belly pictures! Now don't get me wrong, I want other women to be as blissful and happy as I was about my pregnancy, I just, well I just want a baby of my own so that I can stop being jealous of them! I feel like I don't really want to talk to these girls or even see pictures of them any more. I really do feel that the only way I will be over this is if I get my own baby!! I don't really think I'm being too selfish ... all I want is one and it's not like I'm asking for the innocence back or anything! I want every terror ridden day of another pregnancy, as long as it means I WILL GET THE END RESULT!!!!!!!! I was talking to a friend of mine recently and she said that when she first started trying to have kids after 1 1/2 of trying with no results they went to the doctor and the doctor said she could never have children. She was devastated at this news but she decided to ask God for something that was beyond her grasp. She asked Him to either change her heart or change her situation because she couldn't live with wanting a child so bad and never being able to have one! I kind of envy her coming to that conclusion because I don't think I ever could due to the fact that I don't really want my heart to change. Then I realized that that is not my choice, it's Gods and I need to let Him have that control in my life! Who knows ... maybe thats why all this is happening ... maybe He needs to make sure I can trust Him with the REALLY REALLY BIG stuff. You know even when it doesn't turn out the way I wanted it to. So I have come to the conclusion that I will just put all my trust in Him and do what my friend did and ask Him to either change my heart or change my situation! I can't live in this agony and thats the only way I will free myself from this!!!! BTW: that friend of mine found out the next day that she was 7 weeks pregnant with her oldest child ... she now has 4!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes all God needs is for you to really give EVERYTHING up to Him!! Pray that I will have the strength to do that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't think the sadness will ever end!!!!!!!!!!

So I read my sis-in-laws most recent blog the other day and it made me cry!! She was talking about how much harder it is to get over the hard part of losing Jude when you see all of his stuff sitting here waiting for him. It just made me so much more angry!!!! Not only am I having to go through all this sadness and pain but all of my family and friends are right along with me. Granted the pain I feel and the pain they feel is totally different but still they feel pain. They all want so badly to make my pain go away and not being able to do that pains them!!!!

It's so unfair for everyone to have to feel so helpless and angry for me! It's so unfair for me to feel hopeless and angry!! It's unfair that the doctors say everything is fine and my two losses just happen to be unfortunate possibilities that can come from any pregnancy!!!!!!

I'm so sick of hearing empty promises!!!!

Will I ever get my baby, will I ever get to be happy again, will I ever experience the joy of motherhood or am I doomed to be barren and be robbed of the one joy I have always longed for?

No one can seem to answer this question for me and God just doesn't seem to want to!!

I ask Him every night to reveal to me what I should do next and if I will ever get a baby and as every day goes by no answer, no sign, no nothing!!!!!! I'm sick of being strong and I just want to know: WILL I EVER GET MY BABY!!??!!?? :~(

Thinking again! :~/t

So I have been doing pretty good lately. That was at least until I was putting the towels away and I saw the boppy pillow that James' aunt made for Jude.

I found my mind wandering to what I would be doing if Jude had never passed away! I started thinking about how I would have woke up to his smiling face, changed him, fed him and then pulled out that boppy pillow and played with him, then laid him down for a nap, cleaned the kitchen, changed and fed him again when he woke up, then greeted daddy when he came home, let daddy play with him for the rest of the night and then changed and fed him and sent him off to sleep for the night. As opposed to wake up to no one, eat breakfast alone, greet James alone when he got home, spend some quality time with James, watch a movie, cleaned the kitchen, and then spent the rest of the night watching TV alone. The only part of my actual day that I wouldn't trade is the quality time with James. Other then that I would trade anything and give anything just to have the other day!!!!

I just miss him so much!! Some nights my arms feel so empty nothing can seem to comfort me! I'm not sure what to do anymore! I just want a baby so bad it physically hurts!! It hurts my head, my heart, my arms sometimes physically ache and there are still some days where I don't feel like getting out of bed.

I know God is still there and I feel that he will eventually give me a baby of my own to keep and love, but, that doesn't change the fact that I have a hole in my heart. It doesn't take away the pain of my loss and I'm still having trouble seeing any reason for this! I just can't wait until the day I have my baby in my arms and he/she is happy and healthy!!!!

I got this book from a lady at church and it's called "Mommy please don't cry: There are no tears in heaven" I loved it but, at the same time I thought "what a silly thing to ask of a grieving mother!!" I mean what am I supposed to do SMILE!! I'm happy he's with God but, I'm also jealous. I don't want to be jealous of God!! I just don't know how not to be!

I just really want the pain of emptiness to stop!!!!!!!!!! :~/

Other children and happy moms...

So it wasn't until today when I saw a picture of James' friend with his baby boy one his belly looking at him, that I realized that I will be okay as long as i limit my time with "happy parents". I know it sounds mean to those of you who have never experienced the loss of a child but that really is how it has to go!

When I see those happy parents all it does is remind me of what I am currently missing out on! When I have another child and he/she is happy and healthy then things will be different. It's like I just feel so left out because they have what I really wanted and still want! I also feel left out because all they do is talk about their baby (which I don't blame them ... I would too!) but I mean what am I supposed to say ya know "oh well um Jude was cute but I never got to hear him cry." Yeah ... that a real mood killer!! I just feel like I have nothing in common with mom's now because I view things so differently even then I did before I was pregnant. Before it was innocent and now it's tainted for me and I don't want to freak other mom's out!

I just can't wait until I have my baby in my arms and I can finally feel what every mom feels when they first get to see there child is healthy and there are no worries in that moment just pure blissful happiness!!!! You know as opposed to why is he not breathing, why can't I see him yet and hearing from the doctor that he's not moving, crying or breathing on his own and instead of pure blissful happiness, pure crippling fear!

I hope and pray that some day James and I will get that pure blissful happiness and who knows maybe more then once! :~)

Thinking about stuff

So I am sitting here watching Lost with my hubby wubby and kinda wishing that was me on that island (well I mean as long as I had all of my family there too!) It would be awesome because there are no jobs, no money, no need to fight but, more of a reason to come together. The best part is I would be with all of my family! I just hate having to be so far from everyone!! I miss the good ol days!! The days where life was easy and full of promise. Oh who am I kidding ... everyone has to grow up! Everyone has to face the music so to speak. Some people have pretty music, some people have fun music, some people have depressing music, some people have hateful music and some have a huge mashed up combination of all those! One thing I know for sure though is that you can choose your music. Your life may not sound like fun music but, you can make it fun!! All you have to do is see it through Gods eyes! The hardest thing I ever had to do in my life was see Jude's death through Gods eyes and I am still having trouble with it. I know that I can't fully see through Gods eyes but, what I can see is the fact that He has a reason for everything and He has my best interest in mind. All I have to do is keep repeating that to myself and my music will be fun and pretty.

I was baking like crazy today. I made some walnut brownies and some french vanilla cake and while I was making it a crappy thought came into my mind. "What if I never get a baby and I never have a little Vince or a little Ariah to make brownies and cake with?" "Can I really handle it?" I wish I'd never had any reason to think that!! I feel like it's just not fair all the time! People tell me it isn't and that just makes it worse! :~/ I just can't help it! I find myself not wanting to be around people who are pregnant or people who have happy healthy babies because of how unfair it feels!!!! People take that as me being ridicules and that I'm not getting over it but, that just pisses me off. How dare you even try to act like you know where I am right now and why I am there! All these people just need to for one second put themselves in my shoes! Ever since this all happened everyone just expected me to get over it eventually but, what they don't understand is you NEVER get over something like this! It will NEVER go away ... all the hurt, all the pain and sadness and the feeling of being robbed. So when I see couples with children they don't appreciate I choose not to associate myself with them for fear that I will not be able to hold my tongue anymore. Either I end the friendships before they get to that point or I blow up on them and it still ends anyway.

UGH! I hate being such a heavy thinker now! Losing something so precious sure does put a damper on every aspect of life. Nothing seems good enough to smile at anymore! I pray that soon I will find some hope for if not I fear the worst will come out of me!! :~/