Deep Breaths!!

Just saw our specialist yesterday. Rylan decided to wave hello to us during the ultrasound. :) I will be 25 weeks tomorrow ... only 13 more weeks to go, which to most pregnant women is the final stretch, but to me it feels like just the beginning!! I know that I can't really rely on kick counts until I'm about 28 weeks but on the days that I feel less movement I really start to freak out!!

I wish I could look at this pregnancy differently then I have to!!!! Right now I am feeling this griping fear that I won't get to hold my baby Rylan happy and healthy in the end! I'm so scared that any second will be the last second of his life!! Last time only 3 more months scared me for a whole different reason, I was afraid to think that I would be raising a child in such a short amount of time and now I'm afraid I won't be raising a child ever! It's hard because I don't know how to not be paranoid every time I do or don't feel something and it drives my husband insane because he just wants to make me feel better but he can't. I wish there was some formula that could make all the fear just go away!!!!!!! I just really NEED these last few months to go by as fast as they possibly can!!!!!! I am just SO ready to be holding my baby Rylan healthy, safe and sound in my arms staring up at me with love!!!! If I get there that day will be the most amazing day of my entire life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To whomever is reading please pray that I don't go insane before my C-section and that I have a healthy baby boy in the end!!!!

Christmas just doesn't feel the same this year! :/

With my parents being so far away, all the memories of Jude coming back up and the crazy emotions of this pregnancy I'm really having a hard time this Christmas! I used to go to my parents every Christmas eve and first thing Christmas morning and now ... I don't get to see them at all! :/ Also it's been just about 1 year and 1 month since my precious baby Jude passed away and I can't help but think about how we were supposed to be buying him presents this year and how much fun he would be having. My hormones are already all out of whack and these things are only making it worse!! It's sad because I feel like I just want this holiday to be done and over with already!!!! I'm excited because I got my husband really good presents this year but thats about it ... I feel like Christmas morning will only be a reminder of how far away my family is and everything thats missing.

I'm trying so hard to be grateful for what I do have (which I know is a lot) but I feel like what I really want are the only things I don't have! It's not like I want material things, I just want to be with my family again and I want to be one step closer to creating my own! Sometimes I sit and think "How on earth did my life get here?!?" I feel like I'm living the wrong life. I don't even know why ... maybe it's just all the pain, I just wish it would go away! I mean it's not like I wanted a fairy tale life or anything just a plane ol' whatever life was fine with me. I feel like ever since I decided to grow up and move forward with my own life all there has been is pain! I just wish the pain would stop!! Every time one thing goes right, three things go wrong!! :/

I'm also still worried about not getting to hold baby Rylan 3 months from now! Every time I go to the doctors and see that he's okay it's like I stop holding my breath ... but only for that appointment and then as soon as I leave I'm right back to being afraid of losing him. I'm trying to trust in God it's just SO hard!!!! How do you trust him with something that you already did once and he took away?!? Some times it's so hard and other times it's so easy. I just want to hold my baby boy Rylan already!!!!!!!!!!!! BLEH!!

Prayer, prayer, prayer PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not his month, Please, not this month!!

I am freaking out right now!! This month I had to go to Urgent Care because I couldn't keep anything down with either end (if you know what I mean) and they found out that I had a bacteria in my stomach from drinking tap water (which it was actually "filtered" water!) well anyway they prescribed me some antibiotics to get rid of it. I was about 3 days in to my regimen when my hubby and I, totally forgetting that I was on antibiotics, "tried for a baby." Afterwards I thought I need to go take my next pill before bed and it was then I realized that I might have doomed myself if I had gotten pregnant just then!!!! >:oO I told my husband and he seemed to just kinda pass it off, but since then I have been taking my temperature like crazy and looking for all of the signs of pregnancy out of sheer fear!! As soon as I get my next unemployment check I am going to stock up on some 99cent store pregnancy tests and I am terrified to take the first one this month!! I feel like such and idiot!! Why didn't I remember!? Why was I so stupid!? I kinda started to feel nauseous and a tiny bit of cramping earlier this evening and thats when I started to freak out!! What if I'm pregnant and my baby come out with birth defects because I was such a moron!!?? I wouldn't be able to live with myself even if the doctors told me that the antibiotics had nothing to do with it I would still feel like it's my fault!! I do want to be pregnant again and I do want another baby so, so bad, I just don't want it to be the month where I was stupid and careless!! Because I'm already going to be nervous with this being my 2nd subsequent pregnancy (and losing the 2nd one) it would only be 100 times worse if it happened this month! Not only would I worry about the things that went wrong with the first 2 but, now I would worry that the antibiotics caused a problem!!!! :~( I just want to take a pregnancy test and be relieved already!!!!

Oh Lord help me to accept whatever the outcome is this month! Help me to have faith in you and believe that whatever happens was always in your plan for my life! Help me to accept whatever the results may be!