BROKEN!!

Words really do fail me right now!

I don't know what to say anymore!

I don't know what to feel anymore!

I don't know where to go from here!

I don't want to lose anymore!

I don't want to hurt anymore!

I want my heart to feel normal again!

I want to smile again and not have it be fake!

I want to feel truly happy again!

I don't want to be scared anymore!

I don't want to feel cheated anymore!

I want the pain, heartbreak and saying goodbye before I get to say hello to go away!

I want what I can't have!


So my joy of a new pregnancy was short lived! I went into the hospital Saturday night with vaginal bleeding after a positive pregnancy test about 2 weeks ago (April 12th). After 2 ultrasounds they came to the conclusion that I was having an ectopic(tubal) pregnancy. Luckily I only had to get a shot and not surgery but we lost the baby. The doctor said again that there is nothing wrong with us and we can try AGAIN in about a month. He also said ectopic pregnancies are something that happens in 5% of all pregnancies. I am so frustrated with all of this! Mainly because there is nothing we can do to increase our chances of having a healthy baby next time. I half wish there was a reason for all of this so at least I would know why!! I feel like God is punishing me for something that I apparently did but had no idea I did it! Even if I just get 1 baby I would be SO HAPPY!!!! Now I worry if I will even get that!! Adoption or a surrogate mother are the last and worst possible options I even want to think of! I am so worn down right now that my heart physically hurts!!!!!!!!!! I am so tired!!!!!! I don't even know what else to say ... :~(

You don't even know!

I get so frustrated when I see people complain about their children or not having any time to themselves!! God has given them the most wonderful gift, the miracle of a baby, someone's life is partially in there hands, yet all they can think about is themselves!! Never mind that God entrusted them with the raising of one (or more) of his children! All they care about is the "freedom" they used to have!! Well first off you should have thought of that before you got pregnant and second off would you be like that if you were Jesus' mother!?!? No I don't think so!!!! Every one of these children is Gods child, when you think of it like that how wrong does it make you feel when you complain!? When God blesses you with Money or a great job do you complain about it? NO! So why when God gives you the most precious gift of all to you complain about all the "time to yourself your missing!" I mean really, that is so selfish!!!!

So the next time your feeling tired and well to be honest, selfish, think about the fact that God entrusted this precious miracle of his child to you!! When you think of it that way you better be ashamed and you better push on to glorify God!! Babies/children shouldn't be looked at as a chore but as a beautiful blessing straight from God that we should be happy to wake up to and take care of every waking moment of our lives!!!!!!

Cherish your children and treat them like the gifts they are!!!!

A surprise blessing from a stranger.

So, over the weekend I had a much needed girls day out with two of my girlfriends. We enjoyed a 5 1/2 hour day of shopping! :~) When we were at the mall I decided I needed to have some fun and try on some fancy prom dresses. I found this one that I kind of fell in love with and would SO love to buy! (but, it's just a tad too expensive.) Well anyway, they also have wedding dresses and bridesmaid dresses at this same store. So, naturally there is a lady in the dressing room helping out the brides and anyone else (like a push the sale type of lady) and when I was done with my dress I handed it to her and she took it back out to where it was. When she came back in she saw my shirt (I was wearing my Jude memorial shirt) and she asked me about it and I told her that it was for my son that had passed away 7 days after birth and why. At the very end of my story I mentioned to her that I was now pregnant again. She then smile and hugged me. At first I heard her talking while she was hugging me, it wasn't until I heard her say Lord that I realized she was praying for me! (tear!) She prayed that God would bless this new baby and that I would be able to take this baby home and raise it. Then we said Amen together and she smiled at me and said "You better bring that baby in when it's born, cuz I want to see it, okay!?" Then I turn to see my friend Christina almost in tears and I said "Christina you can't cry cuz I didn't cry and if you cry then you'll make me cry!" LOL Then my friend Megan comes out of her dressing stall and says "Whoa, what's going on, why is Christina about to cry!?" Christina tells Megan about the lady and what she did and then says how sweet she was. And I started to think about it and I realized that she was really sweet and that she didn't have to do what she did, but, she did! I hugged and thanked her one more time before I left the store and I found myself thanking God for pushing me to go into that dress store!

Little things like that help me realize that God is everywhere we are and he is in everything that happens whether we see it or not!!

I am trying so hard not to be crippled with fear in all of this! I know that God is here and he has his hands all over this baby, me and my husband right at this very moment, but, I have trouble handling the fact that he was also there with Jude! I know there is a reason for all of this. I just can't help thinking that there is a possibility that I could go through this again! The pain was so great that I don't ever want to experience it again!! Either through a miscarriage, still birth, infant loss, losing them as a teenager or losing them as an adult! Losing a child shakes up your world like you will never know! (unless you have experienced the loss of a child.) Nothing is the same. You suddenly see all the possibilities of pain! All I can do at this moment in time is take everything one day at a time and cherish every milestone my baby and I pass together and every other moment after that!

Pray that God will sustain and comfort us through these next 9 months of fearful expectations and pray that the best will be the outcome!

God answered my prayers!

I really have no words right now!! I took an at home pregnancy test yesterday and it was positive. At this moment my feelings are so mixed up!! I find myself being super excited, then scared and then sad. It's all, as my sis-in-law so nicely put it bittersweet!!!! I wanted this SO bad and I hope and pray that I get to keep this child but, at the same time I feel like I might forget Jude in this process and thats what scares me! And of course I feel sad because even though I will love this next baby with all of my heart I still wish I could have my Jude!

As I'm sure you know I am trying extremely hard not to stress or have any fears or anxiety but, now that I know what can happen it's pretty much impossible!! I just want everything to go so much better this time around!! I don't know if I could handle losing another precious baby!

I am so glad that I am pregnant and that God blessed us with this gift and answered our prayers but, at the same time I am so scared!

Please just pray that God will give us a completely healthy baby that we can bring home and raise for many years to come!

Late nights

So I'm sitting here watching George Lopez (because there's nothing else on) looking at my sleeping, snoring husband on the floor in front of me and I began thinking "I could be pregnant right now!" At the same time I'm also thinking "Stop thinking that cuz if your not then your going to be disappointed and your going to think there's something wrong with you!"

It's true! I know that God will give me a baby in His perfect time but, that doesn't change the fact that I feel like I've lost another child all over again every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Then I start to ask myself "did I do something wrong, did James do something wrong?" "Is everything okay with us?" "Can we even have more children?" "How long will I have to wait?" "Is my body failing me?" and I start to think negatively! I don't want to do that and I know I shouldn't think those things but, it's inevitable!

I'm so confused about everything right now and my body not taking to being pregnant as fast as it did before makes it worse! I just hate the 3 or 4 days right before I'm supposed to start my period, it's heart-wrenching! It's almost as bad as waiting to hear test results about cancer or if you have a disease. You pray the whole time to get good news and when your hit with the bad it's like a sock in the stomach that takes your breath away and you want to test again and again hoping maybe one will turn out different!!!!

I just want to be happy and expecting again! I loved it and was excited for the end result of my pregnancy, but all that excitement was ripped away from me and the let down was so big and unexpected that I feel like nothing else but being pregnant will make me happy again.

It's just so hard to have expected and wanted something so bad and not get it! :~/ I hope and pray that my next post will be a happy pregnancy one!!

Thinking again! :~/t

So I have been doing pretty good lately. That was at least until I was putting the towels away and I saw the boppy pillow that James' aunt made for Jude.

I found my mind wandering to what I would be doing if Jude had never passed away! I started thinking about how I would have woke up to his smiling face, changed him, fed him and then pulled out that boppy pillow and played with him, then laid him down for a nap, cleaned the kitchen, changed and fed him again when he woke up, then greeted daddy when he came home, let daddy play with him for the rest of the night and then changed and fed him and sent him off to sleep for the night. As opposed to wake up to no one, eat breakfast alone, greet James alone when he got home, spend some quality time with James, watch a movie, cleaned the kitchen, and then spent the rest of the night watching TV alone. The only part of my actual day that I wouldn't trade is the quality time with James. Other then that I would trade anything and give anything just to have the other day!!!!

I just miss him so much!! Some nights my arms feel so empty nothing can seem to comfort me! I'm not sure what to do anymore! I just want a baby so bad it physically hurts!! It hurts my head, my heart, my arms sometimes physically ache and there are still some days where I don't feel like getting out of bed.

I know God is still there and I feel that he will eventually give me a baby of my own to keep and love, but, that doesn't change the fact that I have a hole in my heart. It doesn't take away the pain of my loss and I'm still having trouble seeing any reason for this! I just can't wait until the day I have my baby in my arms and he/she is happy and healthy!!!!

I got this book from a lady at church and it's called "Mommy please don't cry: There are no tears in heaven" I loved it but, at the same time I thought "what a silly thing to ask of a grieving mother!!" I mean what am I supposed to do SMILE!! I'm happy he's with God but, I'm also jealous. I don't want to be jealous of God!! I just don't know how not to be!

I just really want the pain of emptiness to stop!!!!!!!!!! :~/

Other children and happy moms...

So it wasn't until today when I saw a picture of James' friend with his baby boy one his belly looking at him, that I realized that I will be okay as long as i limit my time with "happy parents". I know it sounds mean to those of you who have never experienced the loss of a child but that really is how it has to go!

When I see those happy parents all it does is remind me of what I am currently missing out on! When I have another child and he/she is happy and healthy then things will be different. It's like I just feel so left out because they have what I really wanted and still want! I also feel left out because all they do is talk about their baby (which I don't blame them ... I would too!) but I mean what am I supposed to say ya know "oh well um Jude was cute but I never got to hear him cry." Yeah ... that a real mood killer!! I just feel like I have nothing in common with mom's now because I view things so differently even then I did before I was pregnant. Before it was innocent and now it's tainted for me and I don't want to freak other mom's out!

I just can't wait until I have my baby in my arms and I can finally feel what every mom feels when they first get to see there child is healthy and there are no worries in that moment just pure blissful happiness!!!! You know as opposed to why is he not breathing, why can't I see him yet and hearing from the doctor that he's not moving, crying or breathing on his own and instead of pure blissful happiness, pure crippling fear!

I hope and pray that some day James and I will get that pure blissful happiness and who knows maybe more then once! :~)