Deep Breaths!!

Just saw our specialist yesterday. Rylan decided to wave hello to us during the ultrasound. :) I will be 25 weeks tomorrow ... only 13 more weeks to go, which to most pregnant women is the final stretch, but to me it feels like just the beginning!! I know that I can't really rely on kick counts until I'm about 28 weeks but on the days that I feel less movement I really start to freak out!!

I wish I could look at this pregnancy differently then I have to!!!! Right now I am feeling this griping fear that I won't get to hold my baby Rylan happy and healthy in the end! I'm so scared that any second will be the last second of his life!! Last time only 3 more months scared me for a whole different reason, I was afraid to think that I would be raising a child in such a short amount of time and now I'm afraid I won't be raising a child ever! It's hard because I don't know how to not be paranoid every time I do or don't feel something and it drives my husband insane because he just wants to make me feel better but he can't. I wish there was some formula that could make all the fear just go away!!!!!!! I just really NEED these last few months to go by as fast as they possibly can!!!!!! I am just SO ready to be holding my baby Rylan healthy, safe and sound in my arms staring up at me with love!!!! If I get there that day will be the most amazing day of my entire life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To whomever is reading please pray that I don't go insane before my C-section and that I have a healthy baby boy in the end!!!!

Christmas just doesn't feel the same this year! :/

With my parents being so far away, all the memories of Jude coming back up and the crazy emotions of this pregnancy I'm really having a hard time this Christmas! I used to go to my parents every Christmas eve and first thing Christmas morning and now ... I don't get to see them at all! :/ Also it's been just about 1 year and 1 month since my precious baby Jude passed away and I can't help but think about how we were supposed to be buying him presents this year and how much fun he would be having. My hormones are already all out of whack and these things are only making it worse!! It's sad because I feel like I just want this holiday to be done and over with already!!!! I'm excited because I got my husband really good presents this year but thats about it ... I feel like Christmas morning will only be a reminder of how far away my family is and everything thats missing.

I'm trying so hard to be grateful for what I do have (which I know is a lot) but I feel like what I really want are the only things I don't have! It's not like I want material things, I just want to be with my family again and I want to be one step closer to creating my own! Sometimes I sit and think "How on earth did my life get here?!?" I feel like I'm living the wrong life. I don't even know why ... maybe it's just all the pain, I just wish it would go away! I mean it's not like I wanted a fairy tale life or anything just a plane ol' whatever life was fine with me. I feel like ever since I decided to grow up and move forward with my own life all there has been is pain! I just wish the pain would stop!! Every time one thing goes right, three things go wrong!! :/

I'm also still worried about not getting to hold baby Rylan 3 months from now! Every time I go to the doctors and see that he's okay it's like I stop holding my breath ... but only for that appointment and then as soon as I leave I'm right back to being afraid of losing him. I'm trying to trust in God it's just SO hard!!!! How do you trust him with something that you already did once and he took away?!? Some times it's so hard and other times it's so easy. I just want to hold my baby boy Rylan already!!!!!!!!!!!! BLEH!!

Prayer, prayer, prayer PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well there is our baby Rylan! :) We saw the specialist on Nov. 8th and he said that as of now everything looks great and all the screening tests came back negative. Finding out it was a boy was an amazing moment! It took the nurse 2 tries and 1 from the doctor to finally get a definitive yes "It's a boy" from them though!

I have my good days, I have my bad days and I have my I'm not getting out of bed days. :-/ My hubby is actually dealing with my craziness really well! I feel bad because some days I fly off the handle at people over little things and other days I'm just as happy as can be. My co-workers must think I'm insane! LOL I have to have x-rays and dental work done due to a filling that cracked and fell out so I'm nervous about that (even though my doctor says it's perfectly okay to have this done while pregnant). Every little thing I feel (related to my pregnancy or not) freaks me out! I wonder "could this potentially harm my baby?!?" It really sux feeling like this and it sux that I will feel like this for the remainder of my pregnancy! I think that the worry might subside when I can feel my baby Rylan moving more then I am right now because I will be able to stop, if I'm feeling worried, and see if he's still kicking. As of right now it's kind of hit and miss, if he's in the right spot type of thing.

All I know is I SO can not wait to get to 39 weeks!!!!!!!!!!! I am so ready to have a happy healthy baby in my arms!!!!!! I'm hoping that at my next appt. I can get my doctor to set a date for my C-section ... I know they don't usually set them this far out but my parents need to get plane tickets and I just really really NEED a date to look forward to!!

Here's to hoping that baby Rylan will be here in the end of March healthy and ready to come home!

Roller Coaster #3

So here we go again! I was indeed pregnant at the same time I had my stomach problem in July but the doctors and the nurses said that the 2 things I was given will not harm the baby and sometimes they actually give it to pregnant women when their morning sickness is severe. So hearing that from everyone has eased my mind a bit. Now we have a whole nother slew of mountains to climb over!!!! First we have to get past all the screening tests with no positive results, second we have to get past 5 months without any strange pains or contractions and third we have to get to and thru 8 months with out me going insane!!

Luckily I will be having a scheduled C-section so I will have my doctor (or my specialist) there, I will have and actual date to look forward to, and pretty much I will know this time if anything has gone wrong up to this date, no "well were not sure when it happened or why it happened" surprises (hopefully!). Lots of doctors appointments this time but thats good, it keeps me from going completely crazy!! LOL

I am at a level of craziness right now!! haha I have already been to the doctors once and caused them to stay and hour after just to assure me that baby and I were okay. I have already had 3 internal ultrasounds in my 4 appointments and I have a special screening ultrasound coming up next Wednesday and then starting Nov. 8th I will be having an ultrasound with my specialist every 4 to 6 weeks!! OMG ... I can't believe how often we are going to get to see this baby, it's pretty cool in a weird way! I just pray every night that I get to bring this baby home and that I can even make it to my first Nov. 8th appt.!!!!

I NEED SOME MAJOR PRAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not his month, Please, not this month!!

I am freaking out right now!! This month I had to go to Urgent Care because I couldn't keep anything down with either end (if you know what I mean) and they found out that I had a bacteria in my stomach from drinking tap water (which it was actually "filtered" water!) well anyway they prescribed me some antibiotics to get rid of it. I was about 3 days in to my regimen when my hubby and I, totally forgetting that I was on antibiotics, "tried for a baby." Afterwards I thought I need to go take my next pill before bed and it was then I realized that I might have doomed myself if I had gotten pregnant just then!!!! >:oO I told my husband and he seemed to just kinda pass it off, but since then I have been taking my temperature like crazy and looking for all of the signs of pregnancy out of sheer fear!! As soon as I get my next unemployment check I am going to stock up on some 99cent store pregnancy tests and I am terrified to take the first one this month!! I feel like such and idiot!! Why didn't I remember!? Why was I so stupid!? I kinda started to feel nauseous and a tiny bit of cramping earlier this evening and thats when I started to freak out!! What if I'm pregnant and my baby come out with birth defects because I was such a moron!!?? I wouldn't be able to live with myself even if the doctors told me that the antibiotics had nothing to do with it I would still feel like it's my fault!! I do want to be pregnant again and I do want another baby so, so bad, I just don't want it to be the month where I was stupid and careless!! Because I'm already going to be nervous with this being my 2nd subsequent pregnancy (and losing the 2nd one) it would only be 100 times worse if it happened this month! Not only would I worry about the things that went wrong with the first 2 but, now I would worry that the antibiotics caused a problem!!!! :~( I just want to take a pregnancy test and be relieved already!!!!

Oh Lord help me to accept whatever the outcome is this month! Help me to have faith in you and believe that whatever happens was always in your plan for my life! Help me to accept whatever the results may be!

I don't think the sadness will ever end!!!!!!!!!!

So I read my sis-in-laws most recent blog the other day and it made me cry!! She was talking about how much harder it is to get over the hard part of losing Jude when you see all of his stuff sitting here waiting for him. It just made me so much more angry!!!! Not only am I having to go through all this sadness and pain but all of my family and friends are right along with me. Granted the pain I feel and the pain they feel is totally different but still they feel pain. They all want so badly to make my pain go away and not being able to do that pains them!!!!

It's so unfair for everyone to have to feel so helpless and angry for me! It's so unfair for me to feel hopeless and angry!! It's unfair that the doctors say everything is fine and my two losses just happen to be unfortunate possibilities that can come from any pregnancy!!!!!!

I'm so sick of hearing empty promises!!!!

Will I ever get my baby, will I ever get to be happy again, will I ever experience the joy of motherhood or am I doomed to be barren and be robbed of the one joy I have always longed for?

No one can seem to answer this question for me and God just doesn't seem to want to!!

I ask Him every night to reveal to me what I should do next and if I will ever get a baby and as every day goes by no answer, no sign, no nothing!!!!!! I'm sick of being strong and I just want to know: WILL I EVER GET MY BABY!!??!!?? :~(

Oh hum ho...here we go

I'm really having trouble with looking forward to the future right now!! I went to my follow up appointment a few days ago and the doctor says that everything is perfectly fine with my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes and that I should have absolutely no problem conceiving and having a healthy baby! That was good news but at the same time bad news. I feel like all of this is happening for no logical reason and there is nothing we can do to increase our chances of having a healthy baby! So now every time I conceive I will be a nervous wreck, because there will be nothing I can do to stop another loss.

I also feel like my faith and hope will be so shaky that I won't be able to trust that God will give me baby #3!! I really, really, want to trust him! I just feel that I trusted him with the first two and look what happened ... why would the third time be any different?!?

I'm just so angry that so many people I know just fly smoothly through marriage right into having children and I have already lost two children and have a crippling fear of never having any!! My husband and I have the biggest strain that could ever be put on a marriage and I see these other people complaining about their children and all the small little nothing problems they have because of them and I just want to sock them in the face!! I would give anything to have just ONE child and they can't seem to learn how to keep from having one right after the other and they have the audacity to complain about it!

First off use protection if you think your life sux so much the more children you have, second don't pop these children out and then complain that they are there, because they are the most precious gifts from God and lastly don't talk about it in front of someone you know who has lost 2 freekin children!!!!!!!!!!

It all really comes down to being selfish and realizing that children are the most amazing gift that God will ever give someone!! I guess I'm just so sick of seeing people complain about Gods most awesome creation!! Oh Lord help me!!!! I need a child and I need to learn how to not want to hurt those who don't appreciate theirs!!!! I NEED so much prayer it's not even funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BROKEN!!

Words really do fail me right now!

I don't know what to say anymore!

I don't know what to feel anymore!

I don't know where to go from here!

I don't want to lose anymore!

I don't want to hurt anymore!

I want my heart to feel normal again!

I want to smile again and not have it be fake!

I want to feel truly happy again!

I don't want to be scared anymore!

I don't want to feel cheated anymore!

I want the pain, heartbreak and saying goodbye before I get to say hello to go away!

I want what I can't have!


So my joy of a new pregnancy was short lived! I went into the hospital Saturday night with vaginal bleeding after a positive pregnancy test about 2 weeks ago (April 12th). After 2 ultrasounds they came to the conclusion that I was having an ectopic(tubal) pregnancy. Luckily I only had to get a shot and not surgery but we lost the baby. The doctor said again that there is nothing wrong with us and we can try AGAIN in about a month. He also said ectopic pregnancies are something that happens in 5% of all pregnancies. I am so frustrated with all of this! Mainly because there is nothing we can do to increase our chances of having a healthy baby next time. I half wish there was a reason for all of this so at least I would know why!! I feel like God is punishing me for something that I apparently did but had no idea I did it! Even if I just get 1 baby I would be SO HAPPY!!!! Now I worry if I will even get that!! Adoption or a surrogate mother are the last and worst possible options I even want to think of! I am so worn down right now that my heart physically hurts!!!!!!!!!! I am so tired!!!!!! I don't even know what else to say ... :~(

God answered my prayers!

I really have no words right now!! I took an at home pregnancy test yesterday and it was positive. At this moment my feelings are so mixed up!! I find myself being super excited, then scared and then sad. It's all, as my sis-in-law so nicely put it bittersweet!!!! I wanted this SO bad and I hope and pray that I get to keep this child but, at the same time I feel like I might forget Jude in this process and thats what scares me! And of course I feel sad because even though I will love this next baby with all of my heart I still wish I could have my Jude!

As I'm sure you know I am trying extremely hard not to stress or have any fears or anxiety but, now that I know what can happen it's pretty much impossible!! I just want everything to go so much better this time around!! I don't know if I could handle losing another precious baby!

I am so glad that I am pregnant and that God blessed us with this gift and answered our prayers but, at the same time I am so scared!

Please just pray that God will give us a completely healthy baby that we can bring home and raise for many years to come!

Late nights

So I'm sitting here watching George Lopez (because there's nothing else on) looking at my sleeping, snoring husband on the floor in front of me and I began thinking "I could be pregnant right now!" At the same time I'm also thinking "Stop thinking that cuz if your not then your going to be disappointed and your going to think there's something wrong with you!"

It's true! I know that God will give me a baby in His perfect time but, that doesn't change the fact that I feel like I've lost another child all over again every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Then I start to ask myself "did I do something wrong, did James do something wrong?" "Is everything okay with us?" "Can we even have more children?" "How long will I have to wait?" "Is my body failing me?" and I start to think negatively! I don't want to do that and I know I shouldn't think those things but, it's inevitable!

I'm so confused about everything right now and my body not taking to being pregnant as fast as it did before makes it worse! I just hate the 3 or 4 days right before I'm supposed to start my period, it's heart-wrenching! It's almost as bad as waiting to hear test results about cancer or if you have a disease. You pray the whole time to get good news and when your hit with the bad it's like a sock in the stomach that takes your breath away and you want to test again and again hoping maybe one will turn out different!!!!

I just want to be happy and expecting again! I loved it and was excited for the end result of my pregnancy, but all that excitement was ripped away from me and the let down was so big and unexpected that I feel like nothing else but being pregnant will make me happy again.

It's just so hard to have expected and wanted something so bad and not get it! :~/ I hope and pray that my next post will be a happy pregnancy one!!

Yearning for a baby!

I think all of this wouldn't have been as hard if this wasn't my first baby. It's so hard for me to think that it might be a possibility that I could never have a baby of my own. My husband and I are trying again and it's not happening as quick as it did before and it's very stressful. I don't want it to be that way but, I just can't figure out haw to make it NOT that way! It's like now I'm so scared that I won't get a baby just cuz I'm pregnant but I'm also scared that I won't even get pregnant. I want to trust God, I REALLY do!! But, every time I start to again I think of the fact that I was trusting him when Jude passed away. I know there is a reason and I know that it's whats best for me but, I don't want to feel that pain EVER again!!!! Just knowing that I already had to go through it once when I thought I never would kind of cripples me! I mean seriously how do you come back from that crippling fear? I hope that I can come back from it!! I pray everyday that I will be able to break through this but, I don't think that will truly happen until I have another baby. I'm scared that no matter how bad I want this for whatever reason God won't let it happen. I know that sounds wrong but thats how I feel! I know I have come so far in so little time but I just want all this pain and questioning to be over and done with!! I just want my beautiful baby to be in my arms already!!!! I don't feel like being a mom will define me, I just feel like I need one ... it's just what I always dreamed of. I just can't imagine my life without at least mothering one child. UGH ... I just want to at least be pregnant already!!!!!!!!!! I feel so robbed! :~/ I need God's comfort!! Keep praying me!! My arms feel so empty tonight!!