Deep Breaths!!

Just saw our specialist yesterday. Rylan decided to wave hello to us during the ultrasound. :) I will be 25 weeks tomorrow ... only 13 more weeks to go, which to most pregnant women is the final stretch, but to me it feels like just the beginning!! I know that I can't really rely on kick counts until I'm about 28 weeks but on the days that I feel less movement I really start to freak out!!

I wish I could look at this pregnancy differently then I have to!!!! Right now I am feeling this griping fear that I won't get to hold my baby Rylan happy and healthy in the end! I'm so scared that any second will be the last second of his life!! Last time only 3 more months scared me for a whole different reason, I was afraid to think that I would be raising a child in such a short amount of time and now I'm afraid I won't be raising a child ever! It's hard because I don't know how to not be paranoid every time I do or don't feel something and it drives my husband insane because he just wants to make me feel better but he can't. I wish there was some formula that could make all the fear just go away!!!!!!! I just really NEED these last few months to go by as fast as they possibly can!!!!!! I am just SO ready to be holding my baby Rylan healthy, safe and sound in my arms staring up at me with love!!!! If I get there that day will be the most amazing day of my entire life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To whomever is reading please pray that I don't go insane before my C-section and that I have a healthy baby boy in the end!!!!

Christmas just doesn't feel the same this year! :/

With my parents being so far away, all the memories of Jude coming back up and the crazy emotions of this pregnancy I'm really having a hard time this Christmas! I used to go to my parents every Christmas eve and first thing Christmas morning and now ... I don't get to see them at all! :/ Also it's been just about 1 year and 1 month since my precious baby Jude passed away and I can't help but think about how we were supposed to be buying him presents this year and how much fun he would be having. My hormones are already all out of whack and these things are only making it worse!! It's sad because I feel like I just want this holiday to be done and over with already!!!! I'm excited because I got my husband really good presents this year but thats about it ... I feel like Christmas morning will only be a reminder of how far away my family is and everything thats missing.

I'm trying so hard to be grateful for what I do have (which I know is a lot) but I feel like what I really want are the only things I don't have! It's not like I want material things, I just want to be with my family again and I want to be one step closer to creating my own! Sometimes I sit and think "How on earth did my life get here?!?" I feel like I'm living the wrong life. I don't even know why ... maybe it's just all the pain, I just wish it would go away! I mean it's not like I wanted a fairy tale life or anything just a plane ol' whatever life was fine with me. I feel like ever since I decided to grow up and move forward with my own life all there has been is pain! I just wish the pain would stop!! Every time one thing goes right, three things go wrong!! :/

I'm also still worried about not getting to hold baby Rylan 3 months from now! Every time I go to the doctors and see that he's okay it's like I stop holding my breath ... but only for that appointment and then as soon as I leave I'm right back to being afraid of losing him. I'm trying to trust in God it's just SO hard!!!! How do you trust him with something that you already did once and he took away?!? Some times it's so hard and other times it's so easy. I just want to hold my baby boy Rylan already!!!!!!!!!!!! BLEH!!

Prayer, prayer, prayer PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well there is our baby Rylan! :) We saw the specialist on Nov. 8th and he said that as of now everything looks great and all the screening tests came back negative. Finding out it was a boy was an amazing moment! It took the nurse 2 tries and 1 from the doctor to finally get a definitive yes "It's a boy" from them though!

I have my good days, I have my bad days and I have my I'm not getting out of bed days. :-/ My hubby is actually dealing with my craziness really well! I feel bad because some days I fly off the handle at people over little things and other days I'm just as happy as can be. My co-workers must think I'm insane! LOL I have to have x-rays and dental work done due to a filling that cracked and fell out so I'm nervous about that (even though my doctor says it's perfectly okay to have this done while pregnant). Every little thing I feel (related to my pregnancy or not) freaks me out! I wonder "could this potentially harm my baby?!?" It really sux feeling like this and it sux that I will feel like this for the remainder of my pregnancy! I think that the worry might subside when I can feel my baby Rylan moving more then I am right now because I will be able to stop, if I'm feeling worried, and see if he's still kicking. As of right now it's kind of hit and miss, if he's in the right spot type of thing.

All I know is I SO can not wait to get to 39 weeks!!!!!!!!!!! I am so ready to have a happy healthy baby in my arms!!!!!! I'm hoping that at my next appt. I can get my doctor to set a date for my C-section ... I know they don't usually set them this far out but my parents need to get plane tickets and I just really really NEED a date to look forward to!!

Here's to hoping that baby Rylan will be here in the end of March healthy and ready to come home!

Roller Coaster #3

So here we go again! I was indeed pregnant at the same time I had my stomach problem in July but the doctors and the nurses said that the 2 things I was given will not harm the baby and sometimes they actually give it to pregnant women when their morning sickness is severe. So hearing that from everyone has eased my mind a bit. Now we have a whole nother slew of mountains to climb over!!!! First we have to get past all the screening tests with no positive results, second we have to get past 5 months without any strange pains or contractions and third we have to get to and thru 8 months with out me going insane!!

Luckily I will be having a scheduled C-section so I will have my doctor (or my specialist) there, I will have and actual date to look forward to, and pretty much I will know this time if anything has gone wrong up to this date, no "well were not sure when it happened or why it happened" surprises (hopefully!). Lots of doctors appointments this time but thats good, it keeps me from going completely crazy!! LOL

I am at a level of craziness right now!! haha I have already been to the doctors once and caused them to stay and hour after just to assure me that baby and I were okay. I have already had 3 internal ultrasounds in my 4 appointments and I have a special screening ultrasound coming up next Wednesday and then starting Nov. 8th I will be having an ultrasound with my specialist every 4 to 6 weeks!! OMG ... I can't believe how often we are going to get to see this baby, it's pretty cool in a weird way! I just pray every night that I get to bring this baby home and that I can even make it to my first Nov. 8th appt.!!!!

I NEED SOME MAJOR PRAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not his month, Please, not this month!!

I am freaking out right now!! This month I had to go to Urgent Care because I couldn't keep anything down with either end (if you know what I mean) and they found out that I had a bacteria in my stomach from drinking tap water (which it was actually "filtered" water!) well anyway they prescribed me some antibiotics to get rid of it. I was about 3 days in to my regimen when my hubby and I, totally forgetting that I was on antibiotics, "tried for a baby." Afterwards I thought I need to go take my next pill before bed and it was then I realized that I might have doomed myself if I had gotten pregnant just then!!!! >:oO I told my husband and he seemed to just kinda pass it off, but since then I have been taking my temperature like crazy and looking for all of the signs of pregnancy out of sheer fear!! As soon as I get my next unemployment check I am going to stock up on some 99cent store pregnancy tests and I am terrified to take the first one this month!! I feel like such and idiot!! Why didn't I remember!? Why was I so stupid!? I kinda started to feel nauseous and a tiny bit of cramping earlier this evening and thats when I started to freak out!! What if I'm pregnant and my baby come out with birth defects because I was such a moron!!?? I wouldn't be able to live with myself even if the doctors told me that the antibiotics had nothing to do with it I would still feel like it's my fault!! I do want to be pregnant again and I do want another baby so, so bad, I just don't want it to be the month where I was stupid and careless!! Because I'm already going to be nervous with this being my 2nd subsequent pregnancy (and losing the 2nd one) it would only be 100 times worse if it happened this month! Not only would I worry about the things that went wrong with the first 2 but, now I would worry that the antibiotics caused a problem!!!! :~( I just want to take a pregnancy test and be relieved already!!!!

Oh Lord help me to accept whatever the outcome is this month! Help me to have faith in you and believe that whatever happens was always in your plan for my life! Help me to accept whatever the results may be!

Daydreaming = pain.

I have been watching my niece for a while because my brother and his family will be moving pretty far away soon and I'm trying to get in all the time I can with her. When she is ready to sleep she usually asks me to scratch her back and sing her to sleep. It's been kind of hard for me to do this because she is staying in Jude's room right now. Tonight as I sang her to sleep it got really bad! I started crying so bad I had to stop singing, luckily it didn't interrupt her sleeping at all. I realized I was letting my mind wander while I was singing and I also realized that I was rocking back and forth while I was singing. I was doing this because I had started to daydream that I was sitting in a rocking chair holding Jude in my arms singing him to sleep and I started to imagine the room as his nursery. For this reason we will probably be painting the nursery as soon as Tegan leaves and as soon as we have the money.

At first I thought I could handle it and that after a while it wouldn't be that bad, but, I now see that thats not the case at all! Some of the nights even when my niece wasn't here I would just walk by the room and out of no where I would get this horrible wave of emotions!! So I really feel that we need to change that room back to plane ol' white and put the rest of his stuff in the closet ... out of sight, out of mind! It sounds a little insensitive and I kind of feel like I'm pushing him away by doing that but, the room keeps catching me off guard and it's only reminding me of what could/should have been! I feel like keeping that room the was it is, is a way of keeping myself in the past! Right now it's almost like everything is just still sitting there waiting for him, like I'm not excepting that he is gone and that room will never be used by him. I think that in order for me to move forward in my grief I need to paint that room and except that he's not coming home! :(

Happy Fathers Day!

I made this poem for my husband for Fathers Day, because, you know it's not like they have a "Almost became a daddy" card anywhere!

To my Husband:
To the dad who anticipated but instead had to grieve
To the man who stood by my side and helped me continue to believe
To the love of my life who I wish could enjoy raising a child
To the strong tower that held me up when all of the pain compiled
To you who held me when I cried
To my angel who joined me for this emotional ride
Today I really need you to know
That to me you are a father wherever you go
So hold your head high
And believe that some day we will know why.
I LOVE YOU BABY ... HAPPY FATHERS DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pregnancy all around!

It seems like now that I lost my babies all of mine and James' friends are either popping out babies or pregnant! It's hard to to sign onto our Facebook accounts and see either all these baby pictures or belly pictures! Now don't get me wrong, I want other women to be as blissful and happy as I was about my pregnancy, I just, well I just want a baby of my own so that I can stop being jealous of them! I feel like I don't really want to talk to these girls or even see pictures of them any more. I really do feel that the only way I will be over this is if I get my own baby!! I don't really think I'm being too selfish ... all I want is one and it's not like I'm asking for the innocence back or anything! I want every terror ridden day of another pregnancy, as long as it means I WILL GET THE END RESULT!!!!!!!! I was talking to a friend of mine recently and she said that when she first started trying to have kids after 1 1/2 of trying with no results they went to the doctor and the doctor said she could never have children. She was devastated at this news but she decided to ask God for something that was beyond her grasp. She asked Him to either change her heart or change her situation because she couldn't live with wanting a child so bad and never being able to have one! I kind of envy her coming to that conclusion because I don't think I ever could due to the fact that I don't really want my heart to change. Then I realized that that is not my choice, it's Gods and I need to let Him have that control in my life! Who knows ... maybe thats why all this is happening ... maybe He needs to make sure I can trust Him with the REALLY REALLY BIG stuff. You know even when it doesn't turn out the way I wanted it to. So I have come to the conclusion that I will just put all my trust in Him and do what my friend did and ask Him to either change my heart or change my situation! I can't live in this agony and thats the only way I will free myself from this!!!! BTW: that friend of mine found out the next day that she was 7 weeks pregnant with her oldest child ... she now has 4!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes all God needs is for you to really give EVERYTHING up to Him!! Pray that I will have the strength to do that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The sadness continues ...

So my parents, my brother and his family came to visit this past weekend and after they left it seem like my thinking about and missing Jude only got worse! After I thought a little bit about it I realized it was because I kept thinking of how they were supposed to be gawking and kissing all over Jude. Them being here and him not being here just made it that much more real!! We also took a picture with Nataniel (my 10 month old nephew) and I kept thinking Jude should be the one that I'm holding in this picture!! It just so hard to see both of my brother with their happy, healthy children when I've lost 2! I never thought I would be this jealous of my own family!!!! If feels wrong but I can't seem to get past it.

I am having SO much trouble trusting God right now and that scares me. I have never been the one to not trust God. I have always trusted him with every part of my life but I am finding it SO HARD to trust him with something that I already trusted him with and lost! I mean how do you trust someone who took something from you!! As humans we tell other that they have to earn our trust back one they have broken it, so how am I supposed to trust God without expecting him to earn it back. It's like I'm having to fight my humanness to get past this and I don't know if that really is possible! I mean seriously how do you do that?!?

I'm also thinking about trying to get a job sometime this week and that is scaring me too. I feel like I'm moving on and letting go and I'm not too sure that I ever want to do that! I just want a baby ... I could care less about a job, a house, friends or any material things!! I just want my baby!!!!!!!!!! :'( Life is painful and I'm sick of all the tears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SICK AND TIRED!!

Really, I mean REALLY!!!!???? After everything that I have been through, after all the crap, after all the stress and after all the tears you still feel the need to tell me what to do with my life!!!! I seriously no longer believe that people are generally good! Now a days it seems like all anyone ever cares about is themselves!! It's really waring me down to be a giving person living in such a selfish world! For once and I mean ONCE I want to do something for myself and I suddenly become the worst person ever ... whatever like any of them have any room to speak!!!!

I just wish everyone would shut up and except it ... It's going to happen weather you like it or not!! So get over it and stop treating me like I'm stealing him ... he doesn't belong to you any more, he married me not you ... LET HIM GO!!!!!!!!!!

It doesn't help that my memories of Jude have been creeping up in my mind all day and then I have to deal with that crap from you!! You don't get to keep your children forever ... some day they will get marries or move out so realize that some day you do have to let go and let them have their own family!! And yes you will have NO say in that or what happens after that!! The sooner you realize that the better everything will be!!!!!!!!!!