So my parents, my brother and his family came to visit this past weekend and after they left it seem like my thinking about and missing Jude only got worse! After I thought a little bit about it I realized it was because I kept thinking of how they were supposed to be gawking and kissing all over Jude. Them being here and him not being here just made it that much more real!! We also took a picture with Nataniel (my 10 month old nephew) and I kept thinking Jude should be the one that I'm holding in this picture!! It just so hard to see both of my brother with their happy, healthy children when I've lost 2! I never thought I would be this jealous of my own family!!!! If feels wrong but I can't seem to get past it.
I am having SO much trouble trusting God right now and that scares me. I have never been the one to not trust God. I have always trusted him with every part of my life but I am finding it SO HARD to trust him with something that I already trusted him with and lost! I mean how do you trust someone who took something from you!! As humans we tell other that they have to earn our trust back one they have broken it, so how am I supposed to trust God without expecting him to earn it back. It's like I'm having to fight my humanness to get past this and I don't know if that really is possible! I mean seriously how do you do that?!?
I'm also thinking about trying to get a job sometime this week and that is scaring me too. I feel like I'm moving on and letting go and I'm not too sure that I ever want to do that! I just want a baby ... I could care less about a job, a house, friends or any material things!! I just want my baby!!!!!!!!!! :'( Life is painful and I'm sick of all the tears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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