Deep Breaths!!

Just saw our specialist yesterday. Rylan decided to wave hello to us during the ultrasound. :) I will be 25 weeks tomorrow ... only 13 more weeks to go, which to most pregnant women is the final stretch, but to me it feels like just the beginning!! I know that I can't really rely on kick counts until I'm about 28 weeks but on the days that I feel less movement I really start to freak out!!

I wish I could look at this pregnancy differently then I have to!!!! Right now I am feeling this griping fear that I won't get to hold my baby Rylan happy and healthy in the end! I'm so scared that any second will be the last second of his life!! Last time only 3 more months scared me for a whole different reason, I was afraid to think that I would be raising a child in such a short amount of time and now I'm afraid I won't be raising a child ever! It's hard because I don't know how to not be paranoid every time I do or don't feel something and it drives my husband insane because he just wants to make me feel better but he can't. I wish there was some formula that could make all the fear just go away!!!!!!! I just really NEED these last few months to go by as fast as they possibly can!!!!!! I am just SO ready to be holding my baby Rylan healthy, safe and sound in my arms staring up at me with love!!!! If I get there that day will be the most amazing day of my entire life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To whomever is reading please pray that I don't go insane before my C-section and that I have a healthy baby boy in the end!!!!

Christmas just doesn't feel the same this year! :/

With my parents being so far away, all the memories of Jude coming back up and the crazy emotions of this pregnancy I'm really having a hard time this Christmas! I used to go to my parents every Christmas eve and first thing Christmas morning and now ... I don't get to see them at all! :/ Also it's been just about 1 year and 1 month since my precious baby Jude passed away and I can't help but think about how we were supposed to be buying him presents this year and how much fun he would be having. My hormones are already all out of whack and these things are only making it worse!! It's sad because I feel like I just want this holiday to be done and over with already!!!! I'm excited because I got my husband really good presents this year but thats about it ... I feel like Christmas morning will only be a reminder of how far away my family is and everything thats missing.

I'm trying so hard to be grateful for what I do have (which I know is a lot) but I feel like what I really want are the only things I don't have! It's not like I want material things, I just want to be with my family again and I want to be one step closer to creating my own! Sometimes I sit and think "How on earth did my life get here?!?" I feel like I'm living the wrong life. I don't even know why ... maybe it's just all the pain, I just wish it would go away! I mean it's not like I wanted a fairy tale life or anything just a plane ol' whatever life was fine with me. I feel like ever since I decided to grow up and move forward with my own life all there has been is pain! I just wish the pain would stop!! Every time one thing goes right, three things go wrong!! :/

I'm also still worried about not getting to hold baby Rylan 3 months from now! Every time I go to the doctors and see that he's okay it's like I stop holding my breath ... but only for that appointment and then as soon as I leave I'm right back to being afraid of losing him. I'm trying to trust in God it's just SO hard!!!! How do you trust him with something that you already did once and he took away?!? Some times it's so hard and other times it's so easy. I just want to hold my baby boy Rylan already!!!!!!!!!!!! BLEH!!

Prayer, prayer, prayer PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not his month, Please, not this month!!

I am freaking out right now!! This month I had to go to Urgent Care because I couldn't keep anything down with either end (if you know what I mean) and they found out that I had a bacteria in my stomach from drinking tap water (which it was actually "filtered" water!) well anyway they prescribed me some antibiotics to get rid of it. I was about 3 days in to my regimen when my hubby and I, totally forgetting that I was on antibiotics, "tried for a baby." Afterwards I thought I need to go take my next pill before bed and it was then I realized that I might have doomed myself if I had gotten pregnant just then!!!! >:oO I told my husband and he seemed to just kinda pass it off, but since then I have been taking my temperature like crazy and looking for all of the signs of pregnancy out of sheer fear!! As soon as I get my next unemployment check I am going to stock up on some 99cent store pregnancy tests and I am terrified to take the first one this month!! I feel like such and idiot!! Why didn't I remember!? Why was I so stupid!? I kinda started to feel nauseous and a tiny bit of cramping earlier this evening and thats when I started to freak out!! What if I'm pregnant and my baby come out with birth defects because I was such a moron!!?? I wouldn't be able to live with myself even if the doctors told me that the antibiotics had nothing to do with it I would still feel like it's my fault!! I do want to be pregnant again and I do want another baby so, so bad, I just don't want it to be the month where I was stupid and careless!! Because I'm already going to be nervous with this being my 2nd subsequent pregnancy (and losing the 2nd one) it would only be 100 times worse if it happened this month! Not only would I worry about the things that went wrong with the first 2 but, now I would worry that the antibiotics caused a problem!!!! :~( I just want to take a pregnancy test and be relieved already!!!!

Oh Lord help me to accept whatever the outcome is this month! Help me to have faith in you and believe that whatever happens was always in your plan for my life! Help me to accept whatever the results may be!

Pregnancy all around!

It seems like now that I lost my babies all of mine and James' friends are either popping out babies or pregnant! It's hard to to sign onto our Facebook accounts and see either all these baby pictures or belly pictures! Now don't get me wrong, I want other women to be as blissful and happy as I was about my pregnancy, I just, well I just want a baby of my own so that I can stop being jealous of them! I feel like I don't really want to talk to these girls or even see pictures of them any more. I really do feel that the only way I will be over this is if I get my own baby!! I don't really think I'm being too selfish ... all I want is one and it's not like I'm asking for the innocence back or anything! I want every terror ridden day of another pregnancy, as long as it means I WILL GET THE END RESULT!!!!!!!! I was talking to a friend of mine recently and she said that when she first started trying to have kids after 1 1/2 of trying with no results they went to the doctor and the doctor said she could never have children. She was devastated at this news but she decided to ask God for something that was beyond her grasp. She asked Him to either change her heart or change her situation because she couldn't live with wanting a child so bad and never being able to have one! I kind of envy her coming to that conclusion because I don't think I ever could due to the fact that I don't really want my heart to change. Then I realized that that is not my choice, it's Gods and I need to let Him have that control in my life! Who knows ... maybe thats why all this is happening ... maybe He needs to make sure I can trust Him with the REALLY REALLY BIG stuff. You know even when it doesn't turn out the way I wanted it to. So I have come to the conclusion that I will just put all my trust in Him and do what my friend did and ask Him to either change my heart or change my situation! I can't live in this agony and thats the only way I will free myself from this!!!! BTW: that friend of mine found out the next day that she was 7 weeks pregnant with her oldest child ... she now has 4!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes all God needs is for you to really give EVERYTHING up to Him!! Pray that I will have the strength to do that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh hum ho...here we go

I'm really having trouble with looking forward to the future right now!! I went to my follow up appointment a few days ago and the doctor says that everything is perfectly fine with my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes and that I should have absolutely no problem conceiving and having a healthy baby! That was good news but at the same time bad news. I feel like all of this is happening for no logical reason and there is nothing we can do to increase our chances of having a healthy baby! So now every time I conceive I will be a nervous wreck, because there will be nothing I can do to stop another loss.

I also feel like my faith and hope will be so shaky that I won't be able to trust that God will give me baby #3!! I really, really, want to trust him! I just feel that I trusted him with the first two and look what happened ... why would the third time be any different?!?

I'm just so angry that so many people I know just fly smoothly through marriage right into having children and I have already lost two children and have a crippling fear of never having any!! My husband and I have the biggest strain that could ever be put on a marriage and I see these other people complaining about their children and all the small little nothing problems they have because of them and I just want to sock them in the face!! I would give anything to have just ONE child and they can't seem to learn how to keep from having one right after the other and they have the audacity to complain about it!

First off use protection if you think your life sux so much the more children you have, second don't pop these children out and then complain that they are there, because they are the most precious gifts from God and lastly don't talk about it in front of someone you know who has lost 2 freekin children!!!!!!!!!!

It all really comes down to being selfish and realizing that children are the most amazing gift that God will ever give someone!! I guess I'm just so sick of seeing people complain about Gods most awesome creation!! Oh Lord help me!!!! I need a child and I need to learn how to not want to hurt those who don't appreciate theirs!!!! I NEED so much prayer it's not even funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feelings of unfairness tonight.

So I just finished talking to my mom about how unfair this all feels to me right now. She explained that God didn't give me a miracle because it's all in His plan and He truly is doing whats best for me! She also explained that His ways are much, much higher then our own!!

I need to realize that faith is something we are called to have not only when things are going smoothly but, more so when things are so painful and confusing we feel like giving up! Having faith in those hard times speaks volumes about the was you truly feel about God! I have to decided if I want to be known as the girl who stayed strong in God through the toughest times in her life or the girl who collapsed under the weight of the world.

No matter how unfair I think this is I know that God is in the middle of it ... and if I, heaven forbid, don't ever get any children I still need to trust that God is doing whats best for me! I need to realize that there is only one path for me and that is Gods path and I was never promised it would be easy! No matter how much it pains me and no matter how much I miss my babies I need to see that it's all part of Gods plan!!

It's so hard for me to go through this but I know for whatever reason it is necessary! I will choose to trust in God to the ends of this earth!! After all He is the one who created it!! :~) I am going to pray to Him and wait for an answer to whether or not we should try again right now and if not when we should. It's about time I listen to Him and make choices dependent on what He says. God should be in the middle of mine and James' decision making and it's about time I realized that!!

Hopefully God will see my effort, hope and faith through this all and decided that I deserve a miracle, a baby, and I can feel the joy of motherhood! Please pray for me!! Even with all these realizations it's still hard and extremely painful to go through this!!!!

BROKEN!!

Words really do fail me right now!

I don't know what to say anymore!

I don't know what to feel anymore!

I don't know where to go from here!

I don't want to lose anymore!

I don't want to hurt anymore!

I want my heart to feel normal again!

I want to smile again and not have it be fake!

I want to feel truly happy again!

I don't want to be scared anymore!

I don't want to feel cheated anymore!

I want the pain, heartbreak and saying goodbye before I get to say hello to go away!

I want what I can't have!


So my joy of a new pregnancy was short lived! I went into the hospital Saturday night with vaginal bleeding after a positive pregnancy test about 2 weeks ago (April 12th). After 2 ultrasounds they came to the conclusion that I was having an ectopic(tubal) pregnancy. Luckily I only had to get a shot and not surgery but we lost the baby. The doctor said again that there is nothing wrong with us and we can try AGAIN in about a month. He also said ectopic pregnancies are something that happens in 5% of all pregnancies. I am so frustrated with all of this! Mainly because there is nothing we can do to increase our chances of having a healthy baby next time. I half wish there was a reason for all of this so at least I would know why!! I feel like God is punishing me for something that I apparently did but had no idea I did it! Even if I just get 1 baby I would be SO HAPPY!!!! Now I worry if I will even get that!! Adoption or a surrogate mother are the last and worst possible options I even want to think of! I am so worn down right now that my heart physically hurts!!!!!!!!!! I am so tired!!!!!! I don't even know what else to say ... :~(

A surprise blessing from a stranger.

So, over the weekend I had a much needed girls day out with two of my girlfriends. We enjoyed a 5 1/2 hour day of shopping! :~) When we were at the mall I decided I needed to have some fun and try on some fancy prom dresses. I found this one that I kind of fell in love with and would SO love to buy! (but, it's just a tad too expensive.) Well anyway, they also have wedding dresses and bridesmaid dresses at this same store. So, naturally there is a lady in the dressing room helping out the brides and anyone else (like a push the sale type of lady) and when I was done with my dress I handed it to her and she took it back out to where it was. When she came back in she saw my shirt (I was wearing my Jude memorial shirt) and she asked me about it and I told her that it was for my son that had passed away 7 days after birth and why. At the very end of my story I mentioned to her that I was now pregnant again. She then smile and hugged me. At first I heard her talking while she was hugging me, it wasn't until I heard her say Lord that I realized she was praying for me! (tear!) She prayed that God would bless this new baby and that I would be able to take this baby home and raise it. Then we said Amen together and she smiled at me and said "You better bring that baby in when it's born, cuz I want to see it, okay!?" Then I turn to see my friend Christina almost in tears and I said "Christina you can't cry cuz I didn't cry and if you cry then you'll make me cry!" LOL Then my friend Megan comes out of her dressing stall and says "Whoa, what's going on, why is Christina about to cry!?" Christina tells Megan about the lady and what she did and then says how sweet she was. And I started to think about it and I realized that she was really sweet and that she didn't have to do what she did, but, she did! I hugged and thanked her one more time before I left the store and I found myself thanking God for pushing me to go into that dress store!

Little things like that help me realize that God is everywhere we are and he is in everything that happens whether we see it or not!!

I am trying so hard not to be crippled with fear in all of this! I know that God is here and he has his hands all over this baby, me and my husband right at this very moment, but, I have trouble handling the fact that he was also there with Jude! I know there is a reason for all of this. I just can't help thinking that there is a possibility that I could go through this again! The pain was so great that I don't ever want to experience it again!! Either through a miscarriage, still birth, infant loss, losing them as a teenager or losing them as an adult! Losing a child shakes up your world like you will never know! (unless you have experienced the loss of a child.) Nothing is the same. You suddenly see all the possibilities of pain! All I can do at this moment in time is take everything one day at a time and cherish every milestone my baby and I pass together and every other moment after that!

Pray that God will sustain and comfort us through these next 9 months of fearful expectations and pray that the best will be the outcome!