Daydreaming = pain.

I have been watching my niece for a while because my brother and his family will be moving pretty far away soon and I'm trying to get in all the time I can with her. When she is ready to sleep she usually asks me to scratch her back and sing her to sleep. It's been kind of hard for me to do this because she is staying in Jude's room right now. Tonight as I sang her to sleep it got really bad! I started crying so bad I had to stop singing, luckily it didn't interrupt her sleeping at all. I realized I was letting my mind wander while I was singing and I also realized that I was rocking back and forth while I was singing. I was doing this because I had started to daydream that I was sitting in a rocking chair holding Jude in my arms singing him to sleep and I started to imagine the room as his nursery. For this reason we will probably be painting the nursery as soon as Tegan leaves and as soon as we have the money.

At first I thought I could handle it and that after a while it wouldn't be that bad, but, I now see that thats not the case at all! Some of the nights even when my niece wasn't here I would just walk by the room and out of no where I would get this horrible wave of emotions!! So I really feel that we need to change that room back to plane ol' white and put the rest of his stuff in the closet ... out of sight, out of mind! It sounds a little insensitive and I kind of feel like I'm pushing him away by doing that but, the room keeps catching me off guard and it's only reminding me of what could/should have been! I feel like keeping that room the was it is, is a way of keeping myself in the past! Right now it's almost like everything is just still sitting there waiting for him, like I'm not excepting that he is gone and that room will never be used by him. I think that in order for me to move forward in my grief I need to paint that room and except that he's not coming home! :(

Pregnancy all around!

It seems like now that I lost my babies all of mine and James' friends are either popping out babies or pregnant! It's hard to to sign onto our Facebook accounts and see either all these baby pictures or belly pictures! Now don't get me wrong, I want other women to be as blissful and happy as I was about my pregnancy, I just, well I just want a baby of my own so that I can stop being jealous of them! I feel like I don't really want to talk to these girls or even see pictures of them any more. I really do feel that the only way I will be over this is if I get my own baby!! I don't really think I'm being too selfish ... all I want is one and it's not like I'm asking for the innocence back or anything! I want every terror ridden day of another pregnancy, as long as it means I WILL GET THE END RESULT!!!!!!!! I was talking to a friend of mine recently and she said that when she first started trying to have kids after 1 1/2 of trying with no results they went to the doctor and the doctor said she could never have children. She was devastated at this news but she decided to ask God for something that was beyond her grasp. She asked Him to either change her heart or change her situation because she couldn't live with wanting a child so bad and never being able to have one! I kind of envy her coming to that conclusion because I don't think I ever could due to the fact that I don't really want my heart to change. Then I realized that that is not my choice, it's Gods and I need to let Him have that control in my life! Who knows ... maybe thats why all this is happening ... maybe He needs to make sure I can trust Him with the REALLY REALLY BIG stuff. You know even when it doesn't turn out the way I wanted it to. So I have come to the conclusion that I will just put all my trust in Him and do what my friend did and ask Him to either change my heart or change my situation! I can't live in this agony and thats the only way I will free myself from this!!!! BTW: that friend of mine found out the next day that she was 7 weeks pregnant with her oldest child ... she now has 4!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes all God needs is for you to really give EVERYTHING up to Him!! Pray that I will have the strength to do that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SICK AND TIRED!!

Really, I mean REALLY!!!!???? After everything that I have been through, after all the crap, after all the stress and after all the tears you still feel the need to tell me what to do with my life!!!! I seriously no longer believe that people are generally good! Now a days it seems like all anyone ever cares about is themselves!! It's really waring me down to be a giving person living in such a selfish world! For once and I mean ONCE I want to do something for myself and I suddenly become the worst person ever ... whatever like any of them have any room to speak!!!!

I just wish everyone would shut up and except it ... It's going to happen weather you like it or not!! So get over it and stop treating me like I'm stealing him ... he doesn't belong to you any more, he married me not you ... LET HIM GO!!!!!!!!!!

It doesn't help that my memories of Jude have been creeping up in my mind all day and then I have to deal with that crap from you!! You don't get to keep your children forever ... some day they will get marries or move out so realize that some day you do have to let go and let them have their own family!! And yes you will have NO say in that or what happens after that!! The sooner you realize that the better everything will be!!!!!!!!!!