Thinking again! :~/t

So I have been doing pretty good lately. That was at least until I was putting the towels away and I saw the boppy pillow that James' aunt made for Jude.

I found my mind wandering to what I would be doing if Jude had never passed away! I started thinking about how I would have woke up to his smiling face, changed him, fed him and then pulled out that boppy pillow and played with him, then laid him down for a nap, cleaned the kitchen, changed and fed him again when he woke up, then greeted daddy when he came home, let daddy play with him for the rest of the night and then changed and fed him and sent him off to sleep for the night. As opposed to wake up to no one, eat breakfast alone, greet James alone when he got home, spend some quality time with James, watch a movie, cleaned the kitchen, and then spent the rest of the night watching TV alone. The only part of my actual day that I wouldn't trade is the quality time with James. Other then that I would trade anything and give anything just to have the other day!!!!

I just miss him so much!! Some nights my arms feel so empty nothing can seem to comfort me! I'm not sure what to do anymore! I just want a baby so bad it physically hurts!! It hurts my head, my heart, my arms sometimes physically ache and there are still some days where I don't feel like getting out of bed.

I know God is still there and I feel that he will eventually give me a baby of my own to keep and love, but, that doesn't change the fact that I have a hole in my heart. It doesn't take away the pain of my loss and I'm still having trouble seeing any reason for this! I just can't wait until the day I have my baby in my arms and he/she is happy and healthy!!!!

I got this book from a lady at church and it's called "Mommy please don't cry: There are no tears in heaven" I loved it but, at the same time I thought "what a silly thing to ask of a grieving mother!!" I mean what am I supposed to do SMILE!! I'm happy he's with God but, I'm also jealous. I don't want to be jealous of God!! I just don't know how not to be!

I just really want the pain of emptiness to stop!!!!!!!!!! :~/