Thinking about stuff

So I am sitting here watching Lost with my hubby wubby and kinda wishing that was me on that island (well I mean as long as I had all of my family there too!) It would be awesome because there are no jobs, no money, no need to fight but, more of a reason to come together. The best part is I would be with all of my family! I just hate having to be so far from everyone!! I miss the good ol days!! The days where life was easy and full of promise. Oh who am I kidding ... everyone has to grow up! Everyone has to face the music so to speak. Some people have pretty music, some people have fun music, some people have depressing music, some people have hateful music and some have a huge mashed up combination of all those! One thing I know for sure though is that you can choose your music. Your life may not sound like fun music but, you can make it fun!! All you have to do is see it through Gods eyes! The hardest thing I ever had to do in my life was see Jude's death through Gods eyes and I am still having trouble with it. I know that I can't fully see through Gods eyes but, what I can see is the fact that He has a reason for everything and He has my best interest in mind. All I have to do is keep repeating that to myself and my music will be fun and pretty.

I was baking like crazy today. I made some walnut brownies and some french vanilla cake and while I was making it a crappy thought came into my mind. "What if I never get a baby and I never have a little Vince or a little Ariah to make brownies and cake with?" "Can I really handle it?" I wish I'd never had any reason to think that!! I feel like it's just not fair all the time! People tell me it isn't and that just makes it worse! :~/ I just can't help it! I find myself not wanting to be around people who are pregnant or people who have happy healthy babies because of how unfair it feels!!!! People take that as me being ridicules and that I'm not getting over it but, that just pisses me off. How dare you even try to act like you know where I am right now and why I am there! All these people just need to for one second put themselves in my shoes! Ever since this all happened everyone just expected me to get over it eventually but, what they don't understand is you NEVER get over something like this! It will NEVER go away ... all the hurt, all the pain and sadness and the feeling of being robbed. So when I see couples with children they don't appreciate I choose not to associate myself with them for fear that I will not be able to hold my tongue anymore. Either I end the friendships before they get to that point or I blow up on them and it still ends anyway.

UGH! I hate being such a heavy thinker now! Losing something so precious sure does put a damper on every aspect of life. Nothing seems good enough to smile at anymore! I pray that soon I will find some hope for if not I fear the worst will come out of me!! :~/