So now I'm back to being jealous of happy pregnant ladies!!!! Sometimes they actually make me feel physically sick ... kinda like I want to puke!! I know ... it's sad. I really don't want to feel this way but it's not something I can help. I think I might just be hurt so bad that any thought of true happiness makes me feel sick. If I see people happy with children, happy being pregnant, blissful and happy with their husband or happy alone, my stomach turns! Happy people period after it, for whatever reason, only seem to remind me of what I don't have!! I feel like all I need is one, just one, child and then I can be just like them.

When you know the pain that I have felt you find it hard to even remember what true happiness was. You just want to lay down, close your eyes and rewind to the good times but, keep the knowledge of the future. I feel like even if I knew what was coming I would have been okay because at least I could have prepared myself for it!! I know that part of life is not knowing and having faith but, from this experience I have learn that it truly is THE HARDEST PART IN LIFE!!!!!! Not too many people learn this lesson and I am SO UPSET that I had to learn mine this way!!!!!!

I just feel so lost in such a big world right now!! Everyone is in their own bubble and what's in their bubble is way more important then anyone else's!! And even if anyone would venture out to someone else's bubble they wouldn't dare come within 10 feet of mine ... because NO ONE want to experience my heartbreak and sadness!!!! I feel so very alone!!!!!!!!!!