Deep Breaths!!

Just saw our specialist yesterday. Rylan decided to wave hello to us during the ultrasound. :) I will be 25 weeks tomorrow ... only 13 more weeks to go, which to most pregnant women is the final stretch, but to me it feels like just the beginning!! I know that I can't really rely on kick counts until I'm about 28 weeks but on the days that I feel less movement I really start to freak out!!

I wish I could look at this pregnancy differently then I have to!!!! Right now I am feeling this griping fear that I won't get to hold my baby Rylan happy and healthy in the end! I'm so scared that any second will be the last second of his life!! Last time only 3 more months scared me for a whole different reason, I was afraid to think that I would be raising a child in such a short amount of time and now I'm afraid I won't be raising a child ever! It's hard because I don't know how to not be paranoid every time I do or don't feel something and it drives my husband insane because he just wants to make me feel better but he can't. I wish there was some formula that could make all the fear just go away!!!!!!! I just really NEED these last few months to go by as fast as they possibly can!!!!!! I am just SO ready to be holding my baby Rylan healthy, safe and sound in my arms staring up at me with love!!!! If I get there that day will be the most amazing day of my entire life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To whomever is reading please pray that I don't go insane before my C-section and that I have a healthy baby boy in the end!!!!

Well there is our baby Rylan! :) We saw the specialist on Nov. 8th and he said that as of now everything looks great and all the screening tests came back negative. Finding out it was a boy was an amazing moment! It took the nurse 2 tries and 1 from the doctor to finally get a definitive yes "It's a boy" from them though!

I have my good days, I have my bad days and I have my I'm not getting out of bed days. :-/ My hubby is actually dealing with my craziness really well! I feel bad because some days I fly off the handle at people over little things and other days I'm just as happy as can be. My co-workers must think I'm insane! LOL I have to have x-rays and dental work done due to a filling that cracked and fell out so I'm nervous about that (even though my doctor says it's perfectly okay to have this done while pregnant). Every little thing I feel (related to my pregnancy or not) freaks me out! I wonder "could this potentially harm my baby?!?" It really sux feeling like this and it sux that I will feel like this for the remainder of my pregnancy! I think that the worry might subside when I can feel my baby Rylan moving more then I am right now because I will be able to stop, if I'm feeling worried, and see if he's still kicking. As of right now it's kind of hit and miss, if he's in the right spot type of thing.

All I know is I SO can not wait to get to 39 weeks!!!!!!!!!!! I am so ready to have a happy healthy baby in my arms!!!!!! I'm hoping that at my next appt. I can get my doctor to set a date for my C-section ... I know they don't usually set them this far out but my parents need to get plane tickets and I just really really NEED a date to look forward to!!

Here's to hoping that baby Rylan will be here in the end of March healthy and ready to come home!

Roller Coaster #3

So here we go again! I was indeed pregnant at the same time I had my stomach problem in July but the doctors and the nurses said that the 2 things I was given will not harm the baby and sometimes they actually give it to pregnant women when their morning sickness is severe. So hearing that from everyone has eased my mind a bit. Now we have a whole nother slew of mountains to climb over!!!! First we have to get past all the screening tests with no positive results, second we have to get past 5 months without any strange pains or contractions and third we have to get to and thru 8 months with out me going insane!!

Luckily I will be having a scheduled C-section so I will have my doctor (or my specialist) there, I will have and actual date to look forward to, and pretty much I will know this time if anything has gone wrong up to this date, no "well were not sure when it happened or why it happened" surprises (hopefully!). Lots of doctors appointments this time but thats good, it keeps me from going completely crazy!! LOL

I am at a level of craziness right now!! haha I have already been to the doctors once and caused them to stay and hour after just to assure me that baby and I were okay. I have already had 3 internal ultrasounds in my 4 appointments and I have a special screening ultrasound coming up next Wednesday and then starting Nov. 8th I will be having an ultrasound with my specialist every 4 to 6 weeks!! OMG ... I can't believe how often we are going to get to see this baby, it's pretty cool in a weird way! I just pray every night that I get to bring this baby home and that I can even make it to my first Nov. 8th appt.!!!!

I NEED SOME MAJOR PRAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A surprise blessing from a stranger.

So, over the weekend I had a much needed girls day out with two of my girlfriends. We enjoyed a 5 1/2 hour day of shopping! :~) When we were at the mall I decided I needed to have some fun and try on some fancy prom dresses. I found this one that I kind of fell in love with and would SO love to buy! (but, it's just a tad too expensive.) Well anyway, they also have wedding dresses and bridesmaid dresses at this same store. So, naturally there is a lady in the dressing room helping out the brides and anyone else (like a push the sale type of lady) and when I was done with my dress I handed it to her and she took it back out to where it was. When she came back in she saw my shirt (I was wearing my Jude memorial shirt) and she asked me about it and I told her that it was for my son that had passed away 7 days after birth and why. At the very end of my story I mentioned to her that I was now pregnant again. She then smile and hugged me. At first I heard her talking while she was hugging me, it wasn't until I heard her say Lord that I realized she was praying for me! (tear!) She prayed that God would bless this new baby and that I would be able to take this baby home and raise it. Then we said Amen together and she smiled at me and said "You better bring that baby in when it's born, cuz I want to see it, okay!?" Then I turn to see my friend Christina almost in tears and I said "Christina you can't cry cuz I didn't cry and if you cry then you'll make me cry!" LOL Then my friend Megan comes out of her dressing stall and says "Whoa, what's going on, why is Christina about to cry!?" Christina tells Megan about the lady and what she did and then says how sweet she was. And I started to think about it and I realized that she was really sweet and that she didn't have to do what she did, but, she did! I hugged and thanked her one more time before I left the store and I found myself thanking God for pushing me to go into that dress store!

Little things like that help me realize that God is everywhere we are and he is in everything that happens whether we see it or not!!

I am trying so hard not to be crippled with fear in all of this! I know that God is here and he has his hands all over this baby, me and my husband right at this very moment, but, I have trouble handling the fact that he was also there with Jude! I know there is a reason for all of this. I just can't help thinking that there is a possibility that I could go through this again! The pain was so great that I don't ever want to experience it again!! Either through a miscarriage, still birth, infant loss, losing them as a teenager or losing them as an adult! Losing a child shakes up your world like you will never know! (unless you have experienced the loss of a child.) Nothing is the same. You suddenly see all the possibilities of pain! All I can do at this moment in time is take everything one day at a time and cherish every milestone my baby and I pass together and every other moment after that!

Pray that God will sustain and comfort us through these next 9 months of fearful expectations and pray that the best will be the outcome!