BROKEN!!

Words really do fail me right now!

I don't know what to say anymore!

I don't know what to feel anymore!

I don't know where to go from here!

I don't want to lose anymore!

I don't want to hurt anymore!

I want my heart to feel normal again!

I want to smile again and not have it be fake!

I want to feel truly happy again!

I don't want to be scared anymore!

I don't want to feel cheated anymore!

I want the pain, heartbreak and saying goodbye before I get to say hello to go away!

I want what I can't have!


So my joy of a new pregnancy was short lived! I went into the hospital Saturday night with vaginal bleeding after a positive pregnancy test about 2 weeks ago (April 12th). After 2 ultrasounds they came to the conclusion that I was having an ectopic(tubal) pregnancy. Luckily I only had to get a shot and not surgery but we lost the baby. The doctor said again that there is nothing wrong with us and we can try AGAIN in about a month. He also said ectopic pregnancies are something that happens in 5% of all pregnancies. I am so frustrated with all of this! Mainly because there is nothing we can do to increase our chances of having a healthy baby next time. I half wish there was a reason for all of this so at least I would know why!! I feel like God is punishing me for something that I apparently did but had no idea I did it! Even if I just get 1 baby I would be SO HAPPY!!!! Now I worry if I will even get that!! Adoption or a surrogate mother are the last and worst possible options I even want to think of! I am so worn down right now that my heart physically hurts!!!!!!!!!! I am so tired!!!!!! I don't even know what else to say ... :~(