I feel like I will never get over this mountain let alone even to the top. I have my good moments but they don't last very long and then it's right back to the crappy, painful moments!
I want to trust God in all of this but, I just can't help thinking about the fact that he could have given me a miracle, twice now, yet he didn't. I feel like no matter how bad I want this I will never get it because God has made His mind up and he could care less how painful it is for me! I know that not true but thats how I feel.
I don't know how to get rid of these feelings!! I pray everyday, sometimes twice a day, but those thoughts just keep popping up. I feel so lost, so confused and so alone in all of this! I go to these empty cradle meeting but most of those women have children at home already. They don't know what it feels like to have the crippling fear that you may NEVER get a child of your own!!!! To lose one so far along and to lose one so early on makes it so that no one part of the pregnancy will be stress free for me!!!!!! I will not be able to take a deep breath in my next pregnancy (if I even get pregnant again!) until that baby is in my arms and healthy.
Every time I think about it I feel like throwing up (literally!!), my heart hurts and sometimes I feel like I can't breath! I just feel like I know what I need to do and I know what can make me feel better but it's almost like I don't want to feel better! I sometimes feel like I want to be mad, I want to cry and I want to dwell on the unfairness!! I want to yell at the world, I want someone to be held responsible!!!! In the end what I really want is what I CAN'T HAVE!! What I really want is a healthy baby in my arms right now!! The fear that I may never get that scares me to death and hurts me more then anyone or anything ever could!!!!!!!!!!
I just want to take 2 steps forward and maybe only 1 step back so that I'm at least making some progress and staying there. Only God can help me now, I can only pray that I will be open to hear what He has to say to me rather then deafened by my anger!!
My heart breaks more and more every night and I fear that soon there will be nothing left of it!! :~(
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