Happy Fathers Day!

I made this poem for my husband for Fathers Day, because, you know it's not like they have a "Almost became a daddy" card anywhere!

To my Husband:
To the dad who anticipated but instead had to grieve
To the man who stood by my side and helped me continue to believe
To the love of my life who I wish could enjoy raising a child
To the strong tower that held me up when all of the pain compiled
To you who held me when I cried
To my angel who joined me for this emotional ride
Today I really need you to know
That to me you are a father wherever you go
So hold your head high
And believe that some day we will know why.
I LOVE YOU BABY ... HAPPY FATHERS DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pregnancy all around!

It seems like now that I lost my babies all of mine and James' friends are either popping out babies or pregnant! It's hard to to sign onto our Facebook accounts and see either all these baby pictures or belly pictures! Now don't get me wrong, I want other women to be as blissful and happy as I was about my pregnancy, I just, well I just want a baby of my own so that I can stop being jealous of them! I feel like I don't really want to talk to these girls or even see pictures of them any more. I really do feel that the only way I will be over this is if I get my own baby!! I don't really think I'm being too selfish ... all I want is one and it's not like I'm asking for the innocence back or anything! I want every terror ridden day of another pregnancy, as long as it means I WILL GET THE END RESULT!!!!!!!! I was talking to a friend of mine recently and she said that when she first started trying to have kids after 1 1/2 of trying with no results they went to the doctor and the doctor said she could never have children. She was devastated at this news but she decided to ask God for something that was beyond her grasp. She asked Him to either change her heart or change her situation because she couldn't live with wanting a child so bad and never being able to have one! I kind of envy her coming to that conclusion because I don't think I ever could due to the fact that I don't really want my heart to change. Then I realized that that is not my choice, it's Gods and I need to let Him have that control in my life! Who knows ... maybe thats why all this is happening ... maybe He needs to make sure I can trust Him with the REALLY REALLY BIG stuff. You know even when it doesn't turn out the way I wanted it to. So I have come to the conclusion that I will just put all my trust in Him and do what my friend did and ask Him to either change my heart or change my situation! I can't live in this agony and thats the only way I will free myself from this!!!! BTW: that friend of mine found out the next day that she was 7 weeks pregnant with her oldest child ... she now has 4!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes all God needs is for you to really give EVERYTHING up to Him!! Pray that I will have the strength to do that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The sadness continues ...

So my parents, my brother and his family came to visit this past weekend and after they left it seem like my thinking about and missing Jude only got worse! After I thought a little bit about it I realized it was because I kept thinking of how they were supposed to be gawking and kissing all over Jude. Them being here and him not being here just made it that much more real!! We also took a picture with Nataniel (my 10 month old nephew) and I kept thinking Jude should be the one that I'm holding in this picture!! It just so hard to see both of my brother with their happy, healthy children when I've lost 2! I never thought I would be this jealous of my own family!!!! If feels wrong but I can't seem to get past it.

I am having SO much trouble trusting God right now and that scares me. I have never been the one to not trust God. I have always trusted him with every part of my life but I am finding it SO HARD to trust him with something that I already trusted him with and lost! I mean how do you trust someone who took something from you!! As humans we tell other that they have to earn our trust back one they have broken it, so how am I supposed to trust God without expecting him to earn it back. It's like I'm having to fight my humanness to get past this and I don't know if that really is possible! I mean seriously how do you do that?!?

I'm also thinking about trying to get a job sometime this week and that is scaring me too. I feel like I'm moving on and letting go and I'm not too sure that I ever want to do that! I just want a baby ... I could care less about a job, a house, friends or any material things!! I just want my baby!!!!!!!!!! :'( Life is painful and I'm sick of all the tears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SICK AND TIRED!!

Really, I mean REALLY!!!!???? After everything that I have been through, after all the crap, after all the stress and after all the tears you still feel the need to tell me what to do with my life!!!! I seriously no longer believe that people are generally good! Now a days it seems like all anyone ever cares about is themselves!! It's really waring me down to be a giving person living in such a selfish world! For once and I mean ONCE I want to do something for myself and I suddenly become the worst person ever ... whatever like any of them have any room to speak!!!!

I just wish everyone would shut up and except it ... It's going to happen weather you like it or not!! So get over it and stop treating me like I'm stealing him ... he doesn't belong to you any more, he married me not you ... LET HIM GO!!!!!!!!!!

It doesn't help that my memories of Jude have been creeping up in my mind all day and then I have to deal with that crap from you!! You don't get to keep your children forever ... some day they will get marries or move out so realize that some day you do have to let go and let them have their own family!! And yes you will have NO say in that or what happens after that!! The sooner you realize that the better everything will be!!!!!!!!!!