Christmas just doesn't feel the same this year! :/

With my parents being so far away, all the memories of Jude coming back up and the crazy emotions of this pregnancy I'm really having a hard time this Christmas! I used to go to my parents every Christmas eve and first thing Christmas morning and now ... I don't get to see them at all! :/ Also it's been just about 1 year and 1 month since my precious baby Jude passed away and I can't help but think about how we were supposed to be buying him presents this year and how much fun he would be having. My hormones are already all out of whack and these things are only making it worse!! It's sad because I feel like I just want this holiday to be done and over with already!!!! I'm excited because I got my husband really good presents this year but thats about it ... I feel like Christmas morning will only be a reminder of how far away my family is and everything thats missing.

I'm trying so hard to be grateful for what I do have (which I know is a lot) but I feel like what I really want are the only things I don't have! It's not like I want material things, I just want to be with my family again and I want to be one step closer to creating my own! Sometimes I sit and think "How on earth did my life get here?!?" I feel like I'm living the wrong life. I don't even know why ... maybe it's just all the pain, I just wish it would go away! I mean it's not like I wanted a fairy tale life or anything just a plane ol' whatever life was fine with me. I feel like ever since I decided to grow up and move forward with my own life all there has been is pain! I just wish the pain would stop!! Every time one thing goes right, three things go wrong!! :/

I'm also still worried about not getting to hold baby Rylan 3 months from now! Every time I go to the doctors and see that he's okay it's like I stop holding my breath ... but only for that appointment and then as soon as I leave I'm right back to being afraid of losing him. I'm trying to trust in God it's just SO hard!!!! How do you trust him with something that you already did once and he took away?!? Some times it's so hard and other times it's so easy. I just want to hold my baby boy Rylan already!!!!!!!!!!!! BLEH!!

Prayer, prayer, prayer PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God answered my prayers!

I really have no words right now!! I took an at home pregnancy test yesterday and it was positive. At this moment my feelings are so mixed up!! I find myself being super excited, then scared and then sad. It's all, as my sis-in-law so nicely put it bittersweet!!!! I wanted this SO bad and I hope and pray that I get to keep this child but, at the same time I feel like I might forget Jude in this process and thats what scares me! And of course I feel sad because even though I will love this next baby with all of my heart I still wish I could have my Jude!

As I'm sure you know I am trying extremely hard not to stress or have any fears or anxiety but, now that I know what can happen it's pretty much impossible!! I just want everything to go so much better this time around!! I don't know if I could handle losing another precious baby!

I am so glad that I am pregnant and that God blessed us with this gift and answered our prayers but, at the same time I am so scared!

Please just pray that God will give us a completely healthy baby that we can bring home and raise for many years to come!

Late nights

So I'm sitting here watching George Lopez (because there's nothing else on) looking at my sleeping, snoring husband on the floor in front of me and I began thinking "I could be pregnant right now!" At the same time I'm also thinking "Stop thinking that cuz if your not then your going to be disappointed and your going to think there's something wrong with you!"

It's true! I know that God will give me a baby in His perfect time but, that doesn't change the fact that I feel like I've lost another child all over again every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Then I start to ask myself "did I do something wrong, did James do something wrong?" "Is everything okay with us?" "Can we even have more children?" "How long will I have to wait?" "Is my body failing me?" and I start to think negatively! I don't want to do that and I know I shouldn't think those things but, it's inevitable!

I'm so confused about everything right now and my body not taking to being pregnant as fast as it did before makes it worse! I just hate the 3 or 4 days right before I'm supposed to start my period, it's heart-wrenching! It's almost as bad as waiting to hear test results about cancer or if you have a disease. You pray the whole time to get good news and when your hit with the bad it's like a sock in the stomach that takes your breath away and you want to test again and again hoping maybe one will turn out different!!!!

I just want to be happy and expecting again! I loved it and was excited for the end result of my pregnancy, but all that excitement was ripped away from me and the let down was so big and unexpected that I feel like nothing else but being pregnant will make me happy again.

It's just so hard to have expected and wanted something so bad and not get it! :~/ I hope and pray that my next post will be a happy pregnancy one!!

Needing hope!

I'm feeling a little more hopeful tonight. I was talking to God a little while ago and just asking him to give me hope and faith that whatever happens whenever it happens I will be able to handle it and know that it is His will and that no matter what it is He will carry me through. Now granted thats easier said then acted upon I feel tonight like I might actually, finally be getting there! Wether or not I am pregnant this month I am just going to accept it and not dwell and not be anxious! I came to a kind of revelation the other day I realized that God is not going to give me a baby to renew my faith and hope rather He will give me one when I choose to let Him and Him only renew it. No act from God should be necessary and until I fully grasp that I think I will not get pregnant. I have no right to say when God gives me a healthy baby then I will have hope and faith again. I never should have lost my hope and faith and until I see that things will be rocky!!

So tonight I will go to sleep with a new mindset. Whatever happens was meant to happen for whatever reason. It's all in God's plan and I need to accept His will for my life! The road will not be easy but He never said it would be. It's not all roses and sunflowers following His path for my life but in the end it will be worth more then I could ever imagine! I just pray that God will give me the strength to get through whatever else He has in my path and become stronger in my hope and faith ... stronger then I ever believed!

I thank God for my trials, happy moments, friendships, parents, in-laws and family. He has truly blessed me and I will be glad! :~) Pray that I can keep this state of mind!!!!

Thinking about stuff

So I am sitting here watching Lost with my hubby wubby and kinda wishing that was me on that island (well I mean as long as I had all of my family there too!) It would be awesome because there are no jobs, no money, no need to fight but, more of a reason to come together. The best part is I would be with all of my family! I just hate having to be so far from everyone!! I miss the good ol days!! The days where life was easy and full of promise. Oh who am I kidding ... everyone has to grow up! Everyone has to face the music so to speak. Some people have pretty music, some people have fun music, some people have depressing music, some people have hateful music and some have a huge mashed up combination of all those! One thing I know for sure though is that you can choose your music. Your life may not sound like fun music but, you can make it fun!! All you have to do is see it through Gods eyes! The hardest thing I ever had to do in my life was see Jude's death through Gods eyes and I am still having trouble with it. I know that I can't fully see through Gods eyes but, what I can see is the fact that He has a reason for everything and He has my best interest in mind. All I have to do is keep repeating that to myself and my music will be fun and pretty.

I was baking like crazy today. I made some walnut brownies and some french vanilla cake and while I was making it a crappy thought came into my mind. "What if I never get a baby and I never have a little Vince or a little Ariah to make brownies and cake with?" "Can I really handle it?" I wish I'd never had any reason to think that!! I feel like it's just not fair all the time! People tell me it isn't and that just makes it worse! :~/ I just can't help it! I find myself not wanting to be around people who are pregnant or people who have happy healthy babies because of how unfair it feels!!!! People take that as me being ridicules and that I'm not getting over it but, that just pisses me off. How dare you even try to act like you know where I am right now and why I am there! All these people just need to for one second put themselves in my shoes! Ever since this all happened everyone just expected me to get over it eventually but, what they don't understand is you NEVER get over something like this! It will NEVER go away ... all the hurt, all the pain and sadness and the feeling of being robbed. So when I see couples with children they don't appreciate I choose not to associate myself with them for fear that I will not be able to hold my tongue anymore. Either I end the friendships before they get to that point or I blow up on them and it still ends anyway.

UGH! I hate being such a heavy thinker now! Losing something so precious sure does put a damper on every aspect of life. Nothing seems good enough to smile at anymore! I pray that soon I will find some hope for if not I fear the worst will come out of me!! :~/

Yearning for a baby!

I think all of this wouldn't have been as hard if this wasn't my first baby. It's so hard for me to think that it might be a possibility that I could never have a baby of my own. My husband and I are trying again and it's not happening as quick as it did before and it's very stressful. I don't want it to be that way but, I just can't figure out haw to make it NOT that way! It's like now I'm so scared that I won't get a baby just cuz I'm pregnant but I'm also scared that I won't even get pregnant. I want to trust God, I REALLY do!! But, every time I start to again I think of the fact that I was trusting him when Jude passed away. I know there is a reason and I know that it's whats best for me but, I don't want to feel that pain EVER again!!!! Just knowing that I already had to go through it once when I thought I never would kind of cripples me! I mean seriously how do you come back from that crippling fear? I hope that I can come back from it!! I pray everyday that I will be able to break through this but, I don't think that will truly happen until I have another baby. I'm scared that no matter how bad I want this for whatever reason God won't let it happen. I know that sounds wrong but thats how I feel! I know I have come so far in so little time but I just want all this pain and questioning to be over and done with!! I just want my beautiful baby to be in my arms already!!!! I don't feel like being a mom will define me, I just feel like I need one ... it's just what I always dreamed of. I just can't imagine my life without at least mothering one child. UGH ... I just want to at least be pregnant already!!!!!!!!!! I feel so robbed! :~/ I need God's comfort!! Keep praying me!! My arms feel so empty tonight!!

Still pushing through the pain.

If you know me then you know my story. If not I will give the short version. I lost my first and so far only son after only 7 days of life. He had a stroke while in the womb and never recovered. While those where the hardest 7 days I have ever experienced in my life I am better for it! God has grown me beyond anything I ever imagined!! Although losing my son is something I wished would have never happened I am still grateful that something good can and will continue to come out of it!!

So now that everyone knows my story lets get onto what I want to say tonight.

I decided to read the book of Jude tonight. I have been wanting to for quite some time but I couldn't seem to bring myself to it. So I start off and right away the first verse makes me cry!! Jude 1:1 Jude a servant of Jesus Christ and brother of James. Seeing my husbands name so close to Jude made me cry so hard! I always thought that when I first saw that it would be when I was writing some cute story about the two of them, but, instead I find myself reading it in Jude's memory. Then I find myself crying at that fact! It's a miracle that I was able to keep reading!! Then Jude v. 20 made my cry again. Jude 1:20 but, you beloved, build yourselves up in your most holy faith; pray in the holy spirit; It's like Jude is telling me to stay strong! I need to build myself up in faith instead of killing my spirit with all the what if's and I need to pray and realize that God still loves me and never left me! I know God is going through this pain with me and I know that He has a reason for this, possibly more then one reason :~), but, that doesn't make losing Jude any easier!!!! I'm just glad I know God, otherwise, I don't think I would be as strong as I am right now. I just pray that God will help me continue down this path and come out on the other side of light and not darkness! As hard as this is I see the light at the end of this tunnel, the top of this mountain, the silver lining in this cloud, I just hope I can make it to the light, top and silver!

Ugh ... Pray for me PLEASE!!!!