So it wasn't until today when I saw a picture of James' friend with his baby boy one his belly looking at him, that I realized that I will be okay as long as i limit my time with "happy parents". I know it sounds mean to those of you who have never experienced the loss of a child but that really is how it has to go!
When I see those happy parents all it does is remind me of what I am currently missing out on! When I have another child and he/she is happy and healthy then things will be different. It's like I just feel so left out because they have what I really wanted and still want! I also feel left out because all they do is talk about their baby (which I don't blame them ... I would too!) but I mean what am I supposed to say ya know "oh well um Jude was cute but I never got to hear him cry." Yeah ... that a real mood killer!! I just feel like I have nothing in common with mom's now because I view things so differently even then I did before I was pregnant. Before it was innocent and now it's tainted for me and I don't want to freak other mom's out!
I just can't wait until I have my baby in my arms and I can finally feel what every mom feels when they first get to see there child is healthy and there are no worries in that moment just pure blissful happiness!!!! You know as opposed to why is he not breathing, why can't I see him yet and hearing from the doctor that he's not moving, crying or breathing on his own and instead of pure blissful happiness, pure crippling fear!
I hope and pray that some day James and I will get that pure blissful happiness and who knows maybe more then once! :~)
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