Christmas just doesn't feel the same this year! :/

With my parents being so far away, all the memories of Jude coming back up and the crazy emotions of this pregnancy I'm really having a hard time this Christmas! I used to go to my parents every Christmas eve and first thing Christmas morning and now ... I don't get to see them at all! :/ Also it's been just about 1 year and 1 month since my precious baby Jude passed away and I can't help but think about how we were supposed to be buying him presents this year and how much fun he would be having. My hormones are already all out of whack and these things are only making it worse!! It's sad because I feel like I just want this holiday to be done and over with already!!!! I'm excited because I got my husband really good presents this year but thats about it ... I feel like Christmas morning will only be a reminder of how far away my family is and everything thats missing.

I'm trying so hard to be grateful for what I do have (which I know is a lot) but I feel like what I really want are the only things I don't have! It's not like I want material things, I just want to be with my family again and I want to be one step closer to creating my own! Sometimes I sit and think "How on earth did my life get here?!?" I feel like I'm living the wrong life. I don't even know why ... maybe it's just all the pain, I just wish it would go away! I mean it's not like I wanted a fairy tale life or anything just a plane ol' whatever life was fine with me. I feel like ever since I decided to grow up and move forward with my own life all there has been is pain! I just wish the pain would stop!! Every time one thing goes right, three things go wrong!! :/

I'm also still worried about not getting to hold baby Rylan 3 months from now! Every time I go to the doctors and see that he's okay it's like I stop holding my breath ... but only for that appointment and then as soon as I leave I'm right back to being afraid of losing him. I'm trying to trust in God it's just SO hard!!!! How do you trust him with something that you already did once and he took away?!? Some times it's so hard and other times it's so easy. I just want to hold my baby boy Rylan already!!!!!!!!!!!! BLEH!!

Prayer, prayer, prayer PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The sadness continues ...

So my parents, my brother and his family came to visit this past weekend and after they left it seem like my thinking about and missing Jude only got worse! After I thought a little bit about it I realized it was because I kept thinking of how they were supposed to be gawking and kissing all over Jude. Them being here and him not being here just made it that much more real!! We also took a picture with Nataniel (my 10 month old nephew) and I kept thinking Jude should be the one that I'm holding in this picture!! It just so hard to see both of my brother with their happy, healthy children when I've lost 2! I never thought I would be this jealous of my own family!!!! If feels wrong but I can't seem to get past it.

I am having SO much trouble trusting God right now and that scares me. I have never been the one to not trust God. I have always trusted him with every part of my life but I am finding it SO HARD to trust him with something that I already trusted him with and lost! I mean how do you trust someone who took something from you!! As humans we tell other that they have to earn our trust back one they have broken it, so how am I supposed to trust God without expecting him to earn it back. It's like I'm having to fight my humanness to get past this and I don't know if that really is possible! I mean seriously how do you do that?!?

I'm also thinking about trying to get a job sometime this week and that is scaring me too. I feel like I'm moving on and letting go and I'm not too sure that I ever want to do that! I just want a baby ... I could care less about a job, a house, friends or any material things!! I just want my baby!!!!!!!!!! :'( Life is painful and I'm sick of all the tears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh hum ho...here we go

I'm really having trouble with looking forward to the future right now!! I went to my follow up appointment a few days ago and the doctor says that everything is perfectly fine with my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes and that I should have absolutely no problem conceiving and having a healthy baby! That was good news but at the same time bad news. I feel like all of this is happening for no logical reason and there is nothing we can do to increase our chances of having a healthy baby! So now every time I conceive I will be a nervous wreck, because there will be nothing I can do to stop another loss.

I also feel like my faith and hope will be so shaky that I won't be able to trust that God will give me baby #3!! I really, really, want to trust him! I just feel that I trusted him with the first two and look what happened ... why would the third time be any different?!?

I'm just so angry that so many people I know just fly smoothly through marriage right into having children and I have already lost two children and have a crippling fear of never having any!! My husband and I have the biggest strain that could ever be put on a marriage and I see these other people complaining about their children and all the small little nothing problems they have because of them and I just want to sock them in the face!! I would give anything to have just ONE child and they can't seem to learn how to keep from having one right after the other and they have the audacity to complain about it!

First off use protection if you think your life sux so much the more children you have, second don't pop these children out and then complain that they are there, because they are the most precious gifts from God and lastly don't talk about it in front of someone you know who has lost 2 freekin children!!!!!!!!!!

It all really comes down to being selfish and realizing that children are the most amazing gift that God will ever give someone!! I guess I'm just so sick of seeing people complain about Gods most awesome creation!! Oh Lord help me!!!! I need a child and I need to learn how to not want to hurt those who don't appreciate theirs!!!! I NEED so much prayer it's not even funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2 steps forward and 1 million steps back!!

I feel like I will never get over this mountain let alone even to the top. I have my good moments but they don't last very long and then it's right back to the crappy, painful moments!

I want to trust God in all of this but, I just can't help thinking about the fact that he could have given me a miracle, twice now, yet he didn't. I feel like no matter how bad I want this I will never get it because God has made His mind up and he could care less how painful it is for me! I know that not true but thats how I feel.

I don't know how to get rid of these feelings!! I pray everyday, sometimes twice a day, but those thoughts just keep popping up. I feel so lost, so confused and so alone in all of this! I go to these empty cradle meeting but most of those women have children at home already. They don't know what it feels like to have the crippling fear that you may NEVER get a child of your own!!!! To lose one so far along and to lose one so early on makes it so that no one part of the pregnancy will be stress free for me!!!!!! I will not be able to take a deep breath in my next pregnancy (if I even get pregnant again!) until that baby is in my arms and healthy.

Every time I think about it I feel like throwing up (literally!!), my heart hurts and sometimes I feel like I can't breath! I just feel like I know what I need to do and I know what can make me feel better but it's almost like I don't want to feel better! I sometimes feel like I want to be mad, I want to cry and I want to dwell on the unfairness!! I want to yell at the world, I want someone to be held responsible!!!! In the end what I really want is what I CAN'T HAVE!! What I really want is a healthy baby in my arms right now!! The fear that I may never get that scares me to death and hurts me more then anyone or anything ever could!!!!!!!!!!

I just want to take 2 steps forward and maybe only 1 step back so that I'm at least making some progress and staying there. Only God can help me now, I can only pray that I will be open to hear what He has to say to me rather then deafened by my anger!!

My heart breaks more and more every night and I fear that soon there will be nothing left of it!! :~(

God answered my prayers!

I really have no words right now!! I took an at home pregnancy test yesterday and it was positive. At this moment my feelings are so mixed up!! I find myself being super excited, then scared and then sad. It's all, as my sis-in-law so nicely put it bittersweet!!!! I wanted this SO bad and I hope and pray that I get to keep this child but, at the same time I feel like I might forget Jude in this process and thats what scares me! And of course I feel sad because even though I will love this next baby with all of my heart I still wish I could have my Jude!

As I'm sure you know I am trying extremely hard not to stress or have any fears or anxiety but, now that I know what can happen it's pretty much impossible!! I just want everything to go so much better this time around!! I don't know if I could handle losing another precious baby!

I am so glad that I am pregnant and that God blessed us with this gift and answered our prayers but, at the same time I am so scared!

Please just pray that God will give us a completely healthy baby that we can bring home and raise for many years to come!

Late nights

So I'm sitting here watching George Lopez (because there's nothing else on) looking at my sleeping, snoring husband on the floor in front of me and I began thinking "I could be pregnant right now!" At the same time I'm also thinking "Stop thinking that cuz if your not then your going to be disappointed and your going to think there's something wrong with you!"

It's true! I know that God will give me a baby in His perfect time but, that doesn't change the fact that I feel like I've lost another child all over again every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Then I start to ask myself "did I do something wrong, did James do something wrong?" "Is everything okay with us?" "Can we even have more children?" "How long will I have to wait?" "Is my body failing me?" and I start to think negatively! I don't want to do that and I know I shouldn't think those things but, it's inevitable!

I'm so confused about everything right now and my body not taking to being pregnant as fast as it did before makes it worse! I just hate the 3 or 4 days right before I'm supposed to start my period, it's heart-wrenching! It's almost as bad as waiting to hear test results about cancer or if you have a disease. You pray the whole time to get good news and when your hit with the bad it's like a sock in the stomach that takes your breath away and you want to test again and again hoping maybe one will turn out different!!!!

I just want to be happy and expecting again! I loved it and was excited for the end result of my pregnancy, but all that excitement was ripped away from me and the let down was so big and unexpected that I feel like nothing else but being pregnant will make me happy again.

It's just so hard to have expected and wanted something so bad and not get it! :~/ I hope and pray that my next post will be a happy pregnancy one!!

Yearning for a baby!

I think all of this wouldn't have been as hard if this wasn't my first baby. It's so hard for me to think that it might be a possibility that I could never have a baby of my own. My husband and I are trying again and it's not happening as quick as it did before and it's very stressful. I don't want it to be that way but, I just can't figure out haw to make it NOT that way! It's like now I'm so scared that I won't get a baby just cuz I'm pregnant but I'm also scared that I won't even get pregnant. I want to trust God, I REALLY do!! But, every time I start to again I think of the fact that I was trusting him when Jude passed away. I know there is a reason and I know that it's whats best for me but, I don't want to feel that pain EVER again!!!! Just knowing that I already had to go through it once when I thought I never would kind of cripples me! I mean seriously how do you come back from that crippling fear? I hope that I can come back from it!! I pray everyday that I will be able to break through this but, I don't think that will truly happen until I have another baby. I'm scared that no matter how bad I want this for whatever reason God won't let it happen. I know that sounds wrong but thats how I feel! I know I have come so far in so little time but I just want all this pain and questioning to be over and done with!! I just want my beautiful baby to be in my arms already!!!! I don't feel like being a mom will define me, I just feel like I need one ... it's just what I always dreamed of. I just can't imagine my life without at least mothering one child. UGH ... I just want to at least be pregnant already!!!!!!!!!! I feel so robbed! :~/ I need God's comfort!! Keep praying me!! My arms feel so empty tonight!!