I don't think the sadness will ever end!!!!!!!!!!

So I read my sis-in-laws most recent blog the other day and it made me cry!! She was talking about how much harder it is to get over the hard part of losing Jude when you see all of his stuff sitting here waiting for him. It just made me so much more angry!!!! Not only am I having to go through all this sadness and pain but all of my family and friends are right along with me. Granted the pain I feel and the pain they feel is totally different but still they feel pain. They all want so badly to make my pain go away and not being able to do that pains them!!!!

It's so unfair for everyone to have to feel so helpless and angry for me! It's so unfair for me to feel hopeless and angry!! It's unfair that the doctors say everything is fine and my two losses just happen to be unfortunate possibilities that can come from any pregnancy!!!!!!

I'm so sick of hearing empty promises!!!!

Will I ever get my baby, will I ever get to be happy again, will I ever experience the joy of motherhood or am I doomed to be barren and be robbed of the one joy I have always longed for?

No one can seem to answer this question for me and God just doesn't seem to want to!!

I ask Him every night to reveal to me what I should do next and if I will ever get a baby and as every day goes by no answer, no sign, no nothing!!!!!! I'm sick of being strong and I just want to know: WILL I EVER GET MY BABY!!??!!?? :~(

Oh hum ho...here we go

I'm really having trouble with looking forward to the future right now!! I went to my follow up appointment a few days ago and the doctor says that everything is perfectly fine with my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes and that I should have absolutely no problem conceiving and having a healthy baby! That was good news but at the same time bad news. I feel like all of this is happening for no logical reason and there is nothing we can do to increase our chances of having a healthy baby! So now every time I conceive I will be a nervous wreck, because there will be nothing I can do to stop another loss.

I also feel like my faith and hope will be so shaky that I won't be able to trust that God will give me baby #3!! I really, really, want to trust him! I just feel that I trusted him with the first two and look what happened ... why would the third time be any different?!?

I'm just so angry that so many people I know just fly smoothly through marriage right into having children and I have already lost two children and have a crippling fear of never having any!! My husband and I have the biggest strain that could ever be put on a marriage and I see these other people complaining about their children and all the small little nothing problems they have because of them and I just want to sock them in the face!! I would give anything to have just ONE child and they can't seem to learn how to keep from having one right after the other and they have the audacity to complain about it!

First off use protection if you think your life sux so much the more children you have, second don't pop these children out and then complain that they are there, because they are the most precious gifts from God and lastly don't talk about it in front of someone you know who has lost 2 freekin children!!!!!!!!!!

It all really comes down to being selfish and realizing that children are the most amazing gift that God will ever give someone!! I guess I'm just so sick of seeing people complain about Gods most awesome creation!! Oh Lord help me!!!! I need a child and I need to learn how to not want to hurt those who don't appreciate theirs!!!! I NEED so much prayer it's not even funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feeling sick and tired tonight!!

So even after all the things that I have been through people still see it fit to tell me what choices I should make!! Who are you to tell me what I should be feeling, how I should live my life and where I should live it!!!!

Everyone just needs to but out of mine and James' life!! We are married, we are our own family and we make our own choices!! I just wish people would stop putting their 2 cents in!!!!

When people say things like "No don't move to Washington because then we will never see you" what I really hear is "Don't take our Jimmy away evil lady!" and "We could care less how much you miss your family!" No one seems to even take one second to think about how I feel!!!!!! All in less then one year I lost my job, lost two babies, lost my family and acquired a 19 year old room mate who acts like a 15 year old!! Until you have been through something even remotely like this don't you dare tell me what you think is best for me to do!

Take a look deep inside and see that it's not really you thinking about whats best for us but, you thinking about whats best for YOU!!!!!!!!!! All my life I have always thought of others before myself and just once I would like someone to do this for me!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone is always waiting for their turn to talk, to tell me what they think I should do, to tell me what they think is "best" for us or to let me know how they feel but, no one wants to listen ... I mean REALLY LISTEN to my hurts, my needs, my feelings basically my heart!!!! And quite frankly I don't care if this sounds selfish! Like I said I spent most of my life making other happy and doing what I thought would make them happy, now since I've been through all this pain I think I reserve the right to be a little selfish, don't you!?

I'm afraid that the next time someone opens their mouth to tell me what they think is the "best" decision for James and I to make, I might scream "JUST SHUT UP" in their face!!!!!!!!!! I constantly feel the pain, sadness and heartbreak of losing my children and having none EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE, so hearing people say that moving to WA is me being selfish makes me want to slap them!!!! I feel that I am a very unselfish person and I think wanting to be near my parents, who are also my rock at this moment, is a fairly small thing to ask for!!

If anyone thinks other wise I really don't care and I think they should just keep their mouths shut!!!!!!!!!! They have no idea what I am going through!!!!

Also everyone says I am so strong ... but, I am so sick of being the strong one!!!! I don't know how much more I can handle!! I feel like God is just going to keep pushing me down because he thinks I can take it and be a testimony to others and quite frankly I am SICK OF IT!!!! I know that sounds wrong but, the pain is just too much!!!!!! I don't want to feel like this any more!!!! Some nights I cry so much that I don't sleep until 3:30 in the morning!!!! As long as their is even a shred of energy in my body it goes straight to thinking about my losses and the fact that I may never get children!!!!!!!! And don't tell me how I should not think about it or how I should pray every time I feel that way, because you know what I do both of those and guess what ... they don't really work!!!! Think about this the next time you say something to someone who is going through something you have no idea about, MOST THINGS ARE EASIER SAID THEN DONE!!!!!!!!

Bottom line I'm sick of this pain and heartbreak and I'm sick of people telling me what I should do!!!!!!!!!!

2 steps forward and 1 million steps back!!

I feel like I will never get over this mountain let alone even to the top. I have my good moments but they don't last very long and then it's right back to the crappy, painful moments!

I want to trust God in all of this but, I just can't help thinking about the fact that he could have given me a miracle, twice now, yet he didn't. I feel like no matter how bad I want this I will never get it because God has made His mind up and he could care less how painful it is for me! I know that not true but thats how I feel.

I don't know how to get rid of these feelings!! I pray everyday, sometimes twice a day, but those thoughts just keep popping up. I feel so lost, so confused and so alone in all of this! I go to these empty cradle meeting but most of those women have children at home already. They don't know what it feels like to have the crippling fear that you may NEVER get a child of your own!!!! To lose one so far along and to lose one so early on makes it so that no one part of the pregnancy will be stress free for me!!!!!! I will not be able to take a deep breath in my next pregnancy (if I even get pregnant again!) until that baby is in my arms and healthy.

Every time I think about it I feel like throwing up (literally!!), my heart hurts and sometimes I feel like I can't breath! I just feel like I know what I need to do and I know what can make me feel better but it's almost like I don't want to feel better! I sometimes feel like I want to be mad, I want to cry and I want to dwell on the unfairness!! I want to yell at the world, I want someone to be held responsible!!!! In the end what I really want is what I CAN'T HAVE!! What I really want is a healthy baby in my arms right now!! The fear that I may never get that scares me to death and hurts me more then anyone or anything ever could!!!!!!!!!!

I just want to take 2 steps forward and maybe only 1 step back so that I'm at least making some progress and staying there. Only God can help me now, I can only pray that I will be open to hear what He has to say to me rather then deafened by my anger!!

My heart breaks more and more every night and I fear that soon there will be nothing left of it!! :~(

Feelings of unfairness tonight.

So I just finished talking to my mom about how unfair this all feels to me right now. She explained that God didn't give me a miracle because it's all in His plan and He truly is doing whats best for me! She also explained that His ways are much, much higher then our own!!

I need to realize that faith is something we are called to have not only when things are going smoothly but, more so when things are so painful and confusing we feel like giving up! Having faith in those hard times speaks volumes about the was you truly feel about God! I have to decided if I want to be known as the girl who stayed strong in God through the toughest times in her life or the girl who collapsed under the weight of the world.

No matter how unfair I think this is I know that God is in the middle of it ... and if I, heaven forbid, don't ever get any children I still need to trust that God is doing whats best for me! I need to realize that there is only one path for me and that is Gods path and I was never promised it would be easy! No matter how much it pains me and no matter how much I miss my babies I need to see that it's all part of Gods plan!!

It's so hard for me to go through this but I know for whatever reason it is necessary! I will choose to trust in God to the ends of this earth!! After all He is the one who created it!! :~) I am going to pray to Him and wait for an answer to whether or not we should try again right now and if not when we should. It's about time I listen to Him and make choices dependent on what He says. God should be in the middle of mine and James' decision making and it's about time I realized that!!

Hopefully God will see my effort, hope and faith through this all and decided that I deserve a miracle, a baby, and I can feel the joy of motherhood! Please pray for me!! Even with all these realizations it's still hard and extremely painful to go through this!!!!

So now I'm back to being jealous of happy pregnant ladies!!!! Sometimes they actually make me feel physically sick ... kinda like I want to puke!! I know ... it's sad. I really don't want to feel this way but it's not something I can help. I think I might just be hurt so bad that any thought of true happiness makes me feel sick. If I see people happy with children, happy being pregnant, blissful and happy with their husband or happy alone, my stomach turns! Happy people period after it, for whatever reason, only seem to remind me of what I don't have!! I feel like all I need is one, just one, child and then I can be just like them.

When you know the pain that I have felt you find it hard to even remember what true happiness was. You just want to lay down, close your eyes and rewind to the good times but, keep the knowledge of the future. I feel like even if I knew what was coming I would have been okay because at least I could have prepared myself for it!! I know that part of life is not knowing and having faith but, from this experience I have learn that it truly is THE HARDEST PART IN LIFE!!!!!! Not too many people learn this lesson and I am SO UPSET that I had to learn mine this way!!!!!!

I just feel so lost in such a big world right now!! Everyone is in their own bubble and what's in their bubble is way more important then anyone else's!! And even if anyone would venture out to someone else's bubble they wouldn't dare come within 10 feet of mine ... because NO ONE want to experience my heartbreak and sadness!!!! I feel so very alone!!!!!!!!!!

BROKEN!!

Words really do fail me right now!

I don't know what to say anymore!

I don't know what to feel anymore!

I don't know where to go from here!

I don't want to lose anymore!

I don't want to hurt anymore!

I want my heart to feel normal again!

I want to smile again and not have it be fake!

I want to feel truly happy again!

I don't want to be scared anymore!

I don't want to feel cheated anymore!

I want the pain, heartbreak and saying goodbye before I get to say hello to go away!

I want what I can't have!


So my joy of a new pregnancy was short lived! I went into the hospital Saturday night with vaginal bleeding after a positive pregnancy test about 2 weeks ago (April 12th). After 2 ultrasounds they came to the conclusion that I was having an ectopic(tubal) pregnancy. Luckily I only had to get a shot and not surgery but we lost the baby. The doctor said again that there is nothing wrong with us and we can try AGAIN in about a month. He also said ectopic pregnancies are something that happens in 5% of all pregnancies. I am so frustrated with all of this! Mainly because there is nothing we can do to increase our chances of having a healthy baby next time. I half wish there was a reason for all of this so at least I would know why!! I feel like God is punishing me for something that I apparently did but had no idea I did it! Even if I just get 1 baby I would be SO HAPPY!!!! Now I worry if I will even get that!! Adoption or a surrogate mother are the last and worst possible options I even want to think of! I am so worn down right now that my heart physically hurts!!!!!!!!!! I am so tired!!!!!! I don't even know what else to say ... :~(

You don't even know!

I get so frustrated when I see people complain about their children or not having any time to themselves!! God has given them the most wonderful gift, the miracle of a baby, someone's life is partially in there hands, yet all they can think about is themselves!! Never mind that God entrusted them with the raising of one (or more) of his children! All they care about is the "freedom" they used to have!! Well first off you should have thought of that before you got pregnant and second off would you be like that if you were Jesus' mother!?!? No I don't think so!!!! Every one of these children is Gods child, when you think of it like that how wrong does it make you feel when you complain!? When God blesses you with Money or a great job do you complain about it? NO! So why when God gives you the most precious gift of all to you complain about all the "time to yourself your missing!" I mean really, that is so selfish!!!!

So the next time your feeling tired and well to be honest, selfish, think about the fact that God entrusted this precious miracle of his child to you!! When you think of it that way you better be ashamed and you better push on to glorify God!! Babies/children shouldn't be looked at as a chore but as a beautiful blessing straight from God that we should be happy to wake up to and take care of every waking moment of our lives!!!!!!

Cherish your children and treat them like the gifts they are!!!!

A surprise blessing from a stranger.

So, over the weekend I had a much needed girls day out with two of my girlfriends. We enjoyed a 5 1/2 hour day of shopping! :~) When we were at the mall I decided I needed to have some fun and try on some fancy prom dresses. I found this one that I kind of fell in love with and would SO love to buy! (but, it's just a tad too expensive.) Well anyway, they also have wedding dresses and bridesmaid dresses at this same store. So, naturally there is a lady in the dressing room helping out the brides and anyone else (like a push the sale type of lady) and when I was done with my dress I handed it to her and she took it back out to where it was. When she came back in she saw my shirt (I was wearing my Jude memorial shirt) and she asked me about it and I told her that it was for my son that had passed away 7 days after birth and why. At the very end of my story I mentioned to her that I was now pregnant again. She then smile and hugged me. At first I heard her talking while she was hugging me, it wasn't until I heard her say Lord that I realized she was praying for me! (tear!) She prayed that God would bless this new baby and that I would be able to take this baby home and raise it. Then we said Amen together and she smiled at me and said "You better bring that baby in when it's born, cuz I want to see it, okay!?" Then I turn to see my friend Christina almost in tears and I said "Christina you can't cry cuz I didn't cry and if you cry then you'll make me cry!" LOL Then my friend Megan comes out of her dressing stall and says "Whoa, what's going on, why is Christina about to cry!?" Christina tells Megan about the lady and what she did and then says how sweet she was. And I started to think about it and I realized that she was really sweet and that she didn't have to do what she did, but, she did! I hugged and thanked her one more time before I left the store and I found myself thanking God for pushing me to go into that dress store!

Little things like that help me realize that God is everywhere we are and he is in everything that happens whether we see it or not!!

I am trying so hard not to be crippled with fear in all of this! I know that God is here and he has his hands all over this baby, me and my husband right at this very moment, but, I have trouble handling the fact that he was also there with Jude! I know there is a reason for all of this. I just can't help thinking that there is a possibility that I could go through this again! The pain was so great that I don't ever want to experience it again!! Either through a miscarriage, still birth, infant loss, losing them as a teenager or losing them as an adult! Losing a child shakes up your world like you will never know! (unless you have experienced the loss of a child.) Nothing is the same. You suddenly see all the possibilities of pain! All I can do at this moment in time is take everything one day at a time and cherish every milestone my baby and I pass together and every other moment after that!

Pray that God will sustain and comfort us through these next 9 months of fearful expectations and pray that the best will be the outcome!

God answered my prayers!

I really have no words right now!! I took an at home pregnancy test yesterday and it was positive. At this moment my feelings are so mixed up!! I find myself being super excited, then scared and then sad. It's all, as my sis-in-law so nicely put it bittersweet!!!! I wanted this SO bad and I hope and pray that I get to keep this child but, at the same time I feel like I might forget Jude in this process and thats what scares me! And of course I feel sad because even though I will love this next baby with all of my heart I still wish I could have my Jude!

As I'm sure you know I am trying extremely hard not to stress or have any fears or anxiety but, now that I know what can happen it's pretty much impossible!! I just want everything to go so much better this time around!! I don't know if I could handle losing another precious baby!

I am so glad that I am pregnant and that God blessed us with this gift and answered our prayers but, at the same time I am so scared!

Please just pray that God will give us a completely healthy baby that we can bring home and raise for many years to come!