Thursday, March 25, 2010
Yearning for a baby!
I think all of this wouldn't have been as hard if this wasn't my first baby. It's so hard for me to think that it might be a possibility that I could never have a baby of my own. My husband and I are trying again and it's not happening as quick as it did before and it's very stressful. I don't want it to be that way but, I just can't figure out haw to make it NOT that way! It's like now I'm so scared that I won't get a baby just cuz I'm pregnant but I'm also scared that I won't even get pregnant. I want to trust God, I REALLY do!! But, every time I start to again I think of the fact that I was trusting him when Jude passed away. I know there is a reason and I know that it's whats best for me but, I don't want to feel that pain EVER again!!!! Just knowing that I already had to go through it once when I thought I never would kind of cripples me! I mean seriously how do you come back from that crippling fear? I hope that I can come back from it!! I pray everyday that I will be able to break through this but, I don't think that will truly happen until I have another baby. I'm scared that no matter how bad I want this for whatever reason God won't let it happen. I know that sounds wrong but thats how I feel! I know I have come so far in so little time but I just want all this pain and questioning to be over and done with!! I just want my beautiful baby to be in my arms already!!!! I don't feel like being a mom will define me, I just feel like I need one ... it's just what I always dreamed of. I just can't imagine my life without at least mothering one child. UGH ... I just want to at least be pregnant already!!!!!!!!!! I feel so robbed! :~/ I need God's comfort!! Keep praying me!! My arms feel so empty tonight!!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Kristin,
ReplyDeleteyou are a Mom. You are Jude's Mom. I'm so sorry he is not here with you, but you will always be his Mom.
I pray that someday soon you have another baby, one that gets to stay here with you. But even when that day comes, you will yearn for Jude. Don't let people make you feel bad for not "getting over it" He is your baby boy and you will forever feel that loss. It's okay to be sad and mad and all those things. It's ok to be uncomfortable around pregnant women or children. It's ok to be scared.
Just keep perserving. One day, you will hold him again in heaven.
When you do get pregnant again that will probably be quite hard/scary for you. Getting pregnant again is just the begining of this struggle. Don't be ashamed of your feelings. You are very brave and very strong to keep moving forward, and although I don't know you I am very proud of you. And I have faith that our God will hold you tight through this life. I can't wait to see pictures of you with Jude's younger brother/or sister!